The fine folks at Read Charlie need your help. They are putting together a list of the 50 Most Progressive people in Charleston. Normally, I would encourage you, my loyal City Paper readers, to nominate me, but in this case I cannot. For one, I’m not progressive. I’m tyrant, and a petty one at that. When the time comes, even the walls themselves will be the first against the walls. No one will be spared the wrath of Haire of the Dog. You will be licked into servitude as I leg-hump all of your hopes and dreams. 

However, I know someone who fits the bill. In fact, it’s someone who, I dare say, is the only person in town that deserves to be called a progressive: Mat Catastrophe.

To the best of my knowledge, there is no one else in Charleston who speaks for the working man and the poor like my colleague. Lord knows, Joe Riley doesn’t. And neither does Dana Beach. And God forbid, that party-loving water boy.

No one else champions raising the minimum wage in Charleston. No one else speaks out against local law enforcement’s more Orwellian measures, be it predictive policing or license plate recognition cameras. Or the tax-free weekend scam which funnels our money to big box retailers. Or the irrational hatred of unions. Or the illegality of domestic spying. Or Uncle Sam’s refusal to protect the LGBT community in the workplace. Or points out the real reasons why we’re losing the War on Poverty — hint: the Democrats are every bit as pro-big business and anti-worker as the Republicans.

Compared to Catastrophe, every other progressive in this town is a pretender, a charlatan, a shamwow-how-did-we-get-to-be-so-gullible sham. So please, do me — and yourself — a favor and nominate Mat Catastrophe for Read Charlie’s 50 Most Progressive. After all, when the Sweetgrass Basket Revolution comes, our man Mat will be leading the charge through the Market on the way to a blockade of the Four Corners of Law. And when that day comes, we may not be freed from the shackles of indentured service work, but the powers that be will be really, really peeved, and that will be victory enough.

Viva la Catastrophe!