I’ve got a lot of dumb theories.

Like this one: I think the National Federation of Republican Women threw their “A Southern Experience” shindig — you know, the one where Sen. Glenn McConnell was photographed with an African-American couple in what appeared to be Civil War-era garb — in order to entice the whole Comic-Con, cos-play crowd to join the GOP.

But none of that is as clearly asinine as Sen. Robert Ford’s theory about why Democratic Party candidates have a difficult time winning in the Palmetto State.

According to a column penned by Ford in a recent issue of The Chronicle, Ford says:

The two main reasons why it is hard for the Democrats to win in South Carolina is, one, the attitude of the Democratic Party, and, second, the idea that the party has the right to select the nominee.

Now, this may strike some political observers as a particularly odd thing to say, particularly those who believe that most GOPers in the Palmetto state vote for the Republican Party because we’re a conservative Christian state populated largely by white, conservative Christians — the very group that makes up the backbone of the GOP, and, now, quite sadly, the Tea Party. (A note to Ron Paul fans: It’s OK to cry. You should be used to it by now anyway. They call it battered wife syndrome.)

As for why Ford’s all in a huff this campaign season — and spouting off more gibberish than usual — it’s because he’s all up in arms because the S.C. Democratic Party just won’t get behind Alvin Greene and Ben Fraizer.

Um. Robert, have you seen these guys? Seriously, man, I’ve talked to Alvin on the phone on a few occasions and I can tell you from personal experience, he’s one out-there cat. As for Frazier, not only has he not campaigned — hell, something even a couch potato like Greene has managed to do —he may not even live in South Carolina.

The very fact that these guys won the Democratic Party’s nominations in the U.S. Senate and 1st Congressional District race, respectively, mocks the entire electoral process. And that’s why I love them. But that’s certainly not why any sane man or woman should vote for them.

If I had a conscience I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to vote for either one of these jokers in November, but I’m not that guy. I’m going to vote for Nikki Haley.

But Ford doesn’t see it that way. Nope. He says:

I would like to advise and warn the Democratic Party and their official body [that] it is imperative that you publicly support Alvin Greene and Ben Frazier. If you do not, you are essentially delivering a fatal blow to the future of the Democratic Party.

Hey, Robert, I hate to tell you buddy, but that’s already happened. And it happened when Alvin Greene and Ben Frazier were nominated.