Editor’s Note: Several months back, we were first introduced to David Crawford, the jokester behind a rather funny series of Onion-style columns in the now-defunct Folly Current, by our good friend Stratton Lawrence. We liked what we read, and since then, we’ve been trying to find a way to work David into the City Paper. So let me introduce you to El Oyster.

For the first installment, we had David write with our What If-themed Year-End Double Issue in mind. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to get it into the issue, but here it is now. Stayed tuned for more.

Musk named best new restaurant in America
CHARLESTON, SC—- In its latest issue, Bon Appétit named celebrity chef Sean Brock’s Musk “the best new restaurant in America.” According to the food magazine, Musk won based on its unwavering dedication to the simple concepts of Southern hospitality, local ingredients, and farm-to-table smells. All of this came together to create a scent a hungry nation can’t stop talking about.

For nearly everyone who has dined at Musk, the barnyard smells coming from the kitchen stick with them long after their meal is over. As a matter of fact, the potent scent of Musk — from the pig pen to the chicken coop, the compost bin to the mound of manure — is so potent that the management group behind the restaurant is hoping the smell of Musk will drift toward other markets.

Hootie & The Glowfish change name after scathing review
ISLE OF PALMS, SC—- Charleston’s Hootie & the Glowfish recently changed their band name after receiving what they described as “the worst review of our career” after a show at the Windjammer.

The following is a snippet from said review: “Just got back from Hootie and The Glowfish at the Windjammer. Hootie and The Glowfish?!? Lame, bro. More like Hootie & the Blow-fish. They sounded like something that would germinate from my cracked rear, P.U.”

Sanford mistakes psychic for psychiatrist, says state will elect him again
BEAUFORT, SC— Former Gov. Mark Sanford recently visited a psychic and received some comforting news.

“Ol’ Miss Cleo in there just told me the forgiveful state of South Carolina would elect me again,” Sanford says. “Forgiveful or forgetful? Hmm, can’t recall. Either way, I’m good.”

It would be a truly stunning feat from the ex-governor, a man who, while acting governor of an actual state, stayed hidden from the public eye, his wife, and law enforcement agencies for a week while wining and dining his mistress in Argentina. Having told everyone he knew he would be on the Appalachian Trail, he used the state’s resources to have the week of his life, even missing contact with his family on Father’s Day.

Time-traveling slave baffled by Boone Hall reenactments
CHARLESTON, SC— A man claiming to be a time-traveling slave showed up at this weekend’s reenactment at Boone Hall Plantation. He and several hundred other slaves apparently arrived in a time machine the man had built.

“It’s more of a tunnel, really, an undertime railroad of sorts. It takes you ahead 150 years,” says the machine’s builder, Augustus Ravenel.

The one-time slave was just as confused as the bystanders at the annual Battle of Secessionville reenactment at Boone Hall. “Truth be told, I wasn’t sure if the machine had worked at all,” Ravenel says. “Everything looked about the same.”