(Knight-Rider) Washington, D.C. — U.S. Sen. Wyatt Duvall (Slumber Party, S.C.) has unveiled a brash new plan that he believes will allow Syrian refugees to settle in the U.S. and keep a fearful populace at ease. Under Duvall’s plan, the federal government will be allowed to purchase any one of the hundreds of vacant malls that litter America’s vast suburban landscape and transform them into what the senator calls “family fun zones” complete with food courts, arcades, and perfume kiosks. Duvall’s critics, however, have given these areas a name of their own, “interment malls.”
“We Americans are a compassionate people, a caring people, a kind people, but we are not a dumb people, at least once you get past the millions of Americans who watch ‘Mike and Molly,’ ‘The Big Bang Theory,’ ‘Two Broke Girls,’ and all of those other horrible Chuck Lorre sitcoms,” Duvall said in a speech on the floor of the Senate. “Like Charlie Sheen once said as he threw a couple hundred bucks on the bed at the Bunny Ranch, you gotta keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but you have to keep that bottle of amyl nitrate closest of all … oh, and by the way, honey, did I tell you I’m HIV positive. Go buy yourself a nice mail-in test for yourself with the tip.”
Not surprisingly, Duvall’s fellow senators were dumbfounded.
“The point is, we’re that hooker, and those Syrian refugees are Charlie Sheen, and terrorism is HIV, and right now, America is barebacking its way to the rear end of days,” Duvall added.
While Duvall says that the internment malls will help currently blighted areas and create thousands of new jobs, he believes that supplying the refugees with near-constant amusement and food will not only help them assimilate but assist authorities in weeding out potential threats. “If we see a young man repeatedly return to one of those standup first-person shooters at the arcade again and again, that man will be flagged. The same goes for frequent Lazar Tag arena players,” the Slumber Party senator says. “How you play says more about you than anything else, and here in America we don’t play like that. You get caught doing that crap repeatedly and it’s straight to cleaning up the ball pit at Chuckie Cheese for you. And let me tell you from experience, one day in that urine-soaked hellhole and you’ll change your wicked ways.”
The senator then mumbled under his breath, “And if that doesn’t fix you, then you’ll be scrubbing toilets at Casual Male for a week.”
Over time, Duvall believes the interment malls will become thriving little communities of their own and beacons of our nation’s charity and the glories of capitalism. One day, even regular, everyday American citizens will return to spend their money. “We are in the midst of a war for the minds of the Muslim word, and we must show them the best that the Great Spencer’s has to offer. And I don’t know about you, but nothing says ‘American values’ like a pair of edible panties and a poster of Bob Marley smoking a spliff.”
Duvall then turned his attention to his fellow South Carolina senator, Lindsey Graham (R), and said, “And if Chick-fil-A doesn’t convert them, then nothing will.”
Graham then nodded and said, “Ham biscuits,” with lecherous intent. The rest of the Senate followed in kind until the halls of Congress were filled with the cries of “ham biscuits, ham biscuits, ham biscuits.”