(Knight-Rider) Washington, D.C. — The nation’s lone Slumber Party senator, Wyatt Duvall of South Carolina, has filed a new bill he believes will end the plague of mass shootings that have spread across our nation, but it’s a move that neither pleases gun control advocates nor the National Rifle Association. In fact, many are calling his plan an irresponsible new entitlement plan. And with good reason: Wyatt Duvall wants to give guns to every American of voting age.
“Look, we all know that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. The trouble is, there simply aren’t enough good guys with guns to keep the peace,” Duvall says. “Now, some might say it’s because the good guys just don’t like the idea of guns, but I believe it’s largely financial. Which is why I think we owe it to all Americans to make sure that we get guns in the hands of as many good guys as possible, even if they resist.”
According to Duvall’s proposal, which he calls Obamaguns, the federal government would set up street corner stands where prospective gun owners could receive fire arms, whether it’s a simple hand gun or an assault rifle. The best part: it would all be paid for by Uncle Sam.
“We’ve found that the biggest barrier to gun ownership isn’t some false sense of morality, it’s financial,” Duvall says. “I don’t want anybody to have to chose between buying a gun and renewing their monthly subscription to Netflix. I mean, the bad guys, they don’t have to worry about that. They just steal their neighbors’ wifi and their sister’s sign-in info, so they can Netflix and chill all they want. The problem here is that creates even more bad guys.”
Duvall continues, “Without Netflix the good guys will soon be outnumbered, and we don’t want that to happen, just as we don’t want to see House of Cards end anytime soon. So keep on getting your freak on, folks, and sext me all the details. At the very least upload it to Pornhub.com.”
However, Duvall notes, gun ownership will not be voluntary, and any American, 18 or older, who hasn’t signed up for an Obamagun, would have to pay a fine. “I don’t think the Founding Fathers had weekend anti-New World warriors and cosplay zombie apocalypsers in mind when they created the Second Amendment. They wanted a full-time army of armed citizen soldiers, one that could not only give the standing army an assist in a pinch, but gun every single one of them down if they went all Hail-Caesar on our budding little nation,” Duvall says. “Defending our country isn’t some choice you get to make like you’re at the grocery store on the ice cream aisle and you’re trying to decide between Mayfield’s Moose Tracks and Breyer’s Birthday Cake and, I don’t know, a mint-chocolate chip Klondike bar. There is only one choice here, Rocky Road, and that road is paved in hot lead and cold steel.”