When Sexbruise? won last year’s Electronic Artist of the Year honor at the City Paper Music Awards, we had no idea what to expect from a band that admittedly bought a bunch of Facebook likes and lied hilariously throughout their interview with our writer, Stratton Lawrence. But at the CPMA ceremony, the band we’d never heard of set us straight and performed an unforgettable set of damn good, if at times ridiculous, electro R&B. Seriously, they were insanely great.
It’s been nearly a year since that revelation, and Sexbruise? kind of fell back off our radar … until now. With the news that they’ll be opening up for Hank and Cupcakes this weekend, we cruised over to the band’s Facebook page and found this message:
“We would like to extend our genuine gratitude to Charleston City Paper for honoring our request to not be included in this year’s Music Awards as we would like to give some other musicians a shot at glory. We knew that, by participating in the event, we would be ruining anyone else’s chances at sweet success. We must be very compassionate people to have declined what would have most definitely been an incredible honor. Please like this post.”
Obviously, we had to drop the guys an email, and we were so pleased with the exchange we decided to print the whole damn thing. You’re welcome.
City Paper: Hey guys. Kelly Rae Smith from the City Paper. No, I’m not emailing you to tell you that by some freak accident you won again. I would like to thank you for so graciously volunteering to bow out so someone else can have a shot at glory. I’d also love to see what else you nerds have been up to since duping folks with Facebook likes, dominating the issue, and the being fly as hell at the awards ceremony last year. Any new fake and funny adventures? Did 144 people really “like” your last Facebook post? Are you not going to not crash our party this year? Seriously, we’ve been wondering what you have been up to musically. I’m writing about your Tin Roof show, because I was so stoked to see your name on a bill — finally. ‘Bout fucking time. Seriously where the heck have y’all been besides on sold-out tours, obviously?
Sexbruise?: Hey Kelly! This is an automated response. We are currently experiencing a high volume of likes and are processing your request. Your message is very important to us! Please stay on the line and sexbruise? Will be with you shortly. Luv, sexbruise?
CP: I’m so honored to have received merely an automated reply.
S?: Hey Kelly Rae! We’d love to catch up with you, thanks for offering to cover our show. Julie currently lives in Atlanta, so we maybe we can do a Google Hangout and fill you in on the details of our last year? A lot has happened, I think. After the City Paper awards, things were pretty fuzzy for about six months. We got dropped from our management company for missing 25 shows in a row. We are currently being managed by my cousin Donnie Lonegan, who set us up with an Eastern European tour, but he made a mistake and accidentally booked the whole tour for 1987 before we were famous, so it was a huge failure.
Anyway, we’re trying to get back on our feet by networking, and we’ve made dozens of new enemies. We are currently involved in several feuds with many different artists, including Baha Men, who were very popular in the early 2000s.
CP: Amazing. Any studio plans or did you blow it by destroying the last one you stepped foot in? Or maybe you’re six months late for that appointment? Or is your cousin recording you instead? I hope to hear an album sometime soon should you manage to not fuck that up, too.
S?: Hey, Kelly! This is an automated response. We are currently experiencing a high volume of likes and are processing your request. Your message is very important to us! Please stay on the line and Sexbruise? Will be with you shortly. Luv, sexbruise?
*** a couple of minutes pass ***
S?: Hey Kelly, sorry for the delay, I was on the other line with Taylor Swift discussing our possible upcoming tour dates.
Our most current recordings can be found at sexbruisequestionmark.bandcamp.com. The EP held the world record for “Most Expensive Album of All Time” for two weeks when we temporarily raised the price to $10,000 per song, but I think you can listen to it for free now.
We are working on a new album, but recording is temporarily on hold. Our lawyers are recommending we not comment on the details, but basically we are being sued by Baha Men, a popular band from the early 2000s, for allegedly stealing all of their songs. Literally all of them. Our lawyers are telling us that as long as we can prove that we never listened to them, we can plead ignorance. But the truth is, we were listening to a shitload of Baha Men during the months following the award show. Please don’t print that.