You know, I thought I had this Stand Your Ground thing all figured out. I mean, it seems pretty simple right. Some thug pulls a gun on you and tries to rob you and you pull out yours and gun him down. That’s self defense. But this George Zimmerman case has got me all confused. Apparently, Stand Your Ground must mean something completely different than what I thought it did. In fact, I’m not even sure what it means anymore. Please humor me while I run through a couple of scenarios to try to figure it out.
1. One frat boy to another: Yo bro, I was like at the piss trough and this dude was standing too close, so I stood my ground and shot him in the chest.
2. One co-ed to another: So like he wouldn’t stop texting me, and then he snap-chatted a pic of his junk, so I stood my ground and shot him in the chest.
3. One foodie to another: Did I tell you I went to that new farm-to-table joint on Upper King last week and the waiter brought me my salad and there was a hair in it, so I stood my ground and shot him in the chest.
4. One moviegoer to another: Have you seen Pacific Rim yet? It’s awesome. But I tell you, there was some asshole sitting next to me and he wouldn’t get off his cell phone, so I stood my ground and shot him in the chest.
5. One HOA member to another: You know that house at the corner of Kennebunkport St. and Chappaquiddick Ave.? We sent that guy a letter because he hasn’t cut his grass in a month. It’s a real eyesore. I mean, if we don’t do something our property values will drop. Well, anyhow, he refused, so I stood my ground and shot him in the chest.
6. One stoner to another: Oh man, last night I got so fucking high, bro. That bud was sick. Well, we got the munchies and went to Taco Bell, and the dude got my order wrong — like I said, two bean burritos and a soft taco, not two bean burritos and a hard taco — so I stood my ground and shot him in the chest.
7. One bro to another: Remember that chick I left with last night. The one with huge tits. Well, I took her back to my place and she wouldn’t blow me so I stood my ground and shot her in the chest.
8. One 17-year-old black male to the police: I wasn’t doing nothing, man. I was just walking to my stepmom’s house. What’s in my pocket? Skittles, man, look. But that asshole was following me. He was a really creepy cracker. I didn’t know what the fuck he wanted. Maybe he was some perv. I tried to ignore him but he keep getting closer and closer, so I turned around punched him right in the face, you know to protect myself. And then when I saw his gun, I started banging his head on the concrete, trying to knock him out. Wait? Wait? What are you arresting me for, I was just standing my ground. That motherfucker was following me. I wasn’t doing anything.