BREAKING NEWS on next week’s Opening Ceremony, which goes down exactly one week from today. Last year, Spoleto organizers had hoped to lure Charleston native and international television supercelebrity Stephen Colbert back home for the festival kickoff, but it wasn’t in the cards. Finally, after a full year of wheeling and dealing, pulling strings, veiled threats, outright bribes, and a FedExed audio recording of all the Spoleto board members clapping their hands if they believed…Stephen Colbert is still not coming.

Sorry. You’ll have to settle for some palaver from Spoleto, Italy mayor Massimo Brunini and a teaser performance from Rubberbandance Group. What? You didn’t really think Stephen Colbert was coming, did you?