[image-1] Just in time for nothing in particular, Southern Living once again ranked our very own Charleston as the South’s Best City for the second year in a row.

Here are the five coldest, iciest, hypothermia-inducing takes from their article awarding the Holy City with this dubious distinction.

1. “Our obsession with this jewel of the Lowcountry has only grown as the Holy City has expanded its culinary scene, added a bevy of hotels and inns, and opened glittery new shops.”

Stop right there. You already know no one can afford to park near these places, much less go to them.

2. “If you want a taste of Charleston’s history, charm, and glamour, stay at the Wentworth Mansion.”

As much as we’d love a taste of that, we’d also love a taste of food, preferably once or twice a day. After a gut punch of $450 a night, we’re not sure we could even afford one of Santi’s notably cheap meals.

3. “Get a reservation at one of Mike Lata’s places, either FIG or The Ordinary.”

This one could fly under the radar only because we love Charleston’s dining scene so much, but please remember that regular people add numbers in their head as they go, and the figures promoted in this list stand somewhere between “student loan default” and “foreclosure.” 

4. “I also tell everyone to visit the newly renovated Gibbes Museum of Art, take Alphonso Brown’s Gullah Tour, and go to a plantation (Magnolia Plantation & Gardens, Middleton Place, or Drayton Hall)”

A plantation? As a tourist attraction? In 2018? Not long ago, these idyllic and charming spaces were only fun for a very specific set of the population.

5. “Pause to look at the window boxes on Rainbow Row.”

They’re pretty cute, but staring through people’s actual windows in their actual homes might earn you a voyeurisum charge. We recommend keeping this suggestion to five to 10 seconds.