Our tongue-in-cheek look at The Bachelorette, focusing on the three South Carolina men after DeAnna’s heart.


Boring first half hour. A quick look at the eye candy makes me think our guys are in trouble.

Luke, right, seems really nice (oyster farmer), but he’s missing about 30 pounds of muscle and four inches (of height, perverts) that these other guys have.

Jon, below, is fretting over his hair — 10 whole minutes (amateur) — and he still doesn’t get it right.


9:26: “First impressions are everything,” she says. Oh, poor Luke.

The host, “We’ve got lots of interesting guys … even an oyster farmer from South Carolina.”

Oh, poor Luke.

9:30: She says “fixin’.” There might be hope for Luke after all.

Jon is the first local guy out of the car. He all but runs past the Bachelorette. Is there an open bar inside?


Donato, right, is the second local guy. She spins him around. He tries to dash inside (there must be an open bar), but she won’t let him go. That’s a good sign for Don.

9:42: Luke gets his introduction.

“Tell me something funny,” she says.

Luke: “You look great … wait, that’s not funny.”

Ten guys go home tonight! We’re screwed.

9:52 p.m.: This house looks like a fire hazard.

Luke gets some alone time. He gives her a pearl necklace. That’s right, guilt the rose out of her.

Her: “I didn’t know they had surfing in South Carolina.” What?! This girl is from Georgia, for Pete’s sake.

Donato is drunk: “You gave her a pearl necklace,” he says, before turning to the California chef. “And you gave her crabs … dip.” He ends up getting felt up by the virgin (not the Bachelorette).

10:06: The BFF comes out to help pick the guys. She’s taking notes.

Another guy brought the Bachelorette a fake diamond. Yeah, but it ain’t on a necklace! Right, Luke?

Donato tells the BFF to sit on his lap. Her: “NEXT!”

Yeah, we’re screwed.

A freaky guy tells DeAnna, “Some blogger from New Jersey could write something about you that’s B.S.” No, that blogger is in South Carolina.

10:19: Some guy strips down to his swim suit, with “DeAnna” printed on the butt. I feel like I’m watching Bravo all the sudden.

Another guy, who DeAnna really likes, gets a little alone time. “You’re from South Carolina?” she asks. No, we could only be so lucky.

Host: “Who will get a rose, and who will lose their chance at love … forever.” For some reason I think at least Donato is going to be able to bounce right back from this one.

10:30: On Luke’s necklace: “It’s like he was giving me a part of him,” DeAnna says. That’s promising.

10:42: Time to hand out the roses. There are 12 left.

Divorced barber gets one.

The guy from North Carolina who she likes gets one.

The Greek guy gets one.

They pan to Donato looking plastered.

The chef gets one. Who’s the crabs … dip now?

Shawn gets one. Don’t know who that is.

The virgin gets one.

Chris gets one. Don’t know him either.

Pan to Luke looking uncomfortable.

The swimsuit guy gets a rose.

Fred and Twilly gets roses. Man, I must have slept through half this thing.

The single dad (who hasn’t told her about his son) gets a rose.

Last rose goes to … the old guy.

Pan to Luke wondering if he’ll get that pearl back. He comes up to hug her and she thanks him. Luke is a real nice guy.

“I’m just a country boy, I’m not used to this,” he said. Really good guy (translation: he has no business on a reality dating show).

So, all three South Carolina guys are sent home. All we have left is the guy from North Carolina that she thought was from South Carolina. Well, there’s always Rock of Love III.