As the writer of the City Paper‘s blotter, my Monday mornings are filled with some of the lowest points in my fellow Charlestonians’ lives. I sit in a diminutive chair in the lobby of the downtown police department and thumb through stacks of reports documenting the most recent run-ins between cops and citizens. Some crimes are so minor and petty that they almost seemed tailor-made for this section, but other times, I come across a three-page report painting a vivid scene of a wife running down the stairs and around the kitchen, away from the man who almost choked her unconscious, and I wonder whether it’s even appropriate to write about any crime at all. Still, enough of you seem to get a kick out of all of it, so here are some of the more impressive shenanigans our neighbors got into this year.


Herb ‘n’ sprawl

A man found smoking a joint on a bench at Waterfront Park assured an officer that he was just on his way to pick up his kids from the airport.


An Ohio woman caught publicly urinating told an officer, “Okay, I admit I peed, but that isn’t mine,” when a glass vial with half a gram of weed was found next to her puddle.

A man hot-boxing his car on a Sunday night made unshakable eye contact with an officer, going as far as taking a long drag of his blunt while the cop looked in the car. Talk about going out with dignity.

When stopped for speeding, a man handed an officer a cup of juice with weed in it and said, “just take it.”

“Look, I’m going to be straight with you. I have weed on me and there is in the car,” said one man before he was given a $615 citation and stripped of his $125 bag of pot. We feel your pain.

When an officer asked a man how much weed he had with him, he replied, “Enough that I am probably going to jail tonight.”

A man told officers he was just about to “roll up” when he saw officers approach him during a suspected drug deal. Cue the Wiz Khalifa.


The year in Victoria’s Secret thefts

January: Six pairs of sweatpants, nine sweatshirts, and three black long-sleeved T-shirts with floral print on the sleeves. Total value: $948.

February: An officer stopped two women who hid 13 items of clothing (total value: $652.35) in their purses after a quick trip to the dressing room, which was festooned with torn-off tags.

April: Four lounge shirts, four sweaters, four T-shirts, and, interestingly enough, only three black sweatpants. Perpetrators: Three women, one of whom was already wearing Victoria’s Secret PINK merchandise. Total value: $749.25.

May: A woman (accompanied by two friends who were apparently just there for moral support) stuffed 15 shorts and six pairs of leggings into a bag. Total value: $799.85.

June: A woman known to have stolen from the store in the past brought an uninitiated friend with her to mop nine pairs of sandals, three pairs of leggings, one tank top, two T-shirts, two pairs of underwear, and one pair of pants. Total value: $686.20.

July: A couple is suspected of stealing 40 pairs of panties, valued at a total of $660.

September: Two women stole 12 T-shirts, six high-waisted joggers, eight skinny joggers, six leggings, and three jackets by putting them in a store bag and walking out. Total value: $1,643.25. Also, a woman carried a Spectrum bag into the store and stole $828 worth of body spray from a display.


Whoever you are, we wish you a better 2019

During a traffic stop, the driver of a moped hung his head, breathed heavily, and admitted, “There’s a crack rock in my pocket,” painting a very vivid picture of the phrase “rock bottom.”

Emergency responders chemically sedated a man who told officers he’d drunk an “ass amount of beer” before asking them to “get your Tasers ready!”

“I have pills on me” is never a good admission, especially if those pills are shaped like Homer Simpson.

Heard during a drug arrest: “You know the crack is mine. Yes, the crack is mine.”

When an officer asked a woman who was driving if she had anything to drink, she said, “One hundred percent, yes, I’m not going to lie … yes,” after apologizing for being an “asshole” and “fucked up.”

“During a search of her it was discovered she had a large Meth Pipe protruding from her vagina.” Okay… “[Offender] removed the Methamphetamine smoking pipe from her vagina without incident and it was collected as evidence.” What!?

A woman called the police after she couldn’t find her son, who arrived from Boston after being involuntarily committed to a psychiatric facility. When authorities found him near Riverland Terrace, he told them that South Carolina residents were being given HIV in an attempt to turn the state into “the next Africa.” He also broke his cell phone and ate the SIM card.


Try again, sweetie

A man driving home from an AA meeting handed officers a Mexican passport as identification.

A woman who called officers to complain about threatening texts told them that she called the sender the n-word, “and this may be one reason” for the intimidating messages.

When an officer noticed a beer can in a driver’s cup holder, the driver promptly advised him that “it was from earlier,” because we all know infractions are invalid if you can prove you committed them earlier.

A man busted for weed said, “I also have something else.” Ecstasy. It was ecstasy.

A man yelling at pedestrians outside of an East Bay Street restaurant told an officer that he was sitting there because “he was looking for more women to be in his life.”

A man walking southbound on King Street with an open 12-ounce PBR told an officer that he was “holding it” for someone else.

After being dispersed following a small-time drug deal near Sheppard and Hanover streets, one of the men took the opportunity to let the officer know, “That guy there has ripped me off before.”

Employees of a West Ashley grocery store watched a man eat three bowls of chili, a salad, and two doughnuts without paying. When he was confronted by an officer outside of the store, he clarified, “I just tasted it to see if I wanted it.”

When confronted by an officer about his beverage, a man drinking on a bench outside of a downtown magnet school at 7 a.m. “advised it was only tea, and than [sic] later stated he is an alcoholic.”


People vs. cops

A yoga instructor who teaches in a garage behind his house was stunned to find one of his students screaming at his dogs inside of his home one afternoon. The student couldn’t provide an ID, told officers that he hadn’t “been born,” and didn’t seem to know what a U.S. president was. He screamed, “You will not defeat me! I am God!” as he was handcuffed and sent to the hospital.

An officer Segway-chased a man running away from a drug store near CofC.

A man flipped the bird at a cop who told him to get out of the middle of the crosswalk, where he was having a full conversation with someone else as cars turned onto the street.

“Suck my dick” and “fat fucking bitch” were two of the phrases directed at officers and hotel employees when they confronted a man who was sitting on the grass, drinking from a vodka bottle, and “yelling for no apparent reason.”

A belligerently drunk man almost walked away from a King Street bar scot-free after peppering guests and bar staff with random questions, except for the fact that he couldn’t contain himself and yelled, “Hey police! Fuck you!” as he opened his ride’s door.

An officer patrolling King Street one night watched as a man ran in front of him shouting profanity and opened the driver’s side door of his patrol car — a considerate move likely meant to save the officer some time


A man suspected of breaking into an apartment building handed a cop his debit card and told him to “take it all.”

A man sitting next to an ongoing citation at Marion Square wanted no part of what was happening, telling an officer that he was solely there to feed the squirrels.

A Johns Island driver leaned out of his window and yelled obscenities back at a patrol car trying to stop him. When he finally pulled over, he asked an officer, “You want to wrestle? I got something in my bag for you.”

Officers were flagged down in regard to a man lying on the grass near a sidewalk. He refused to answer when asked what month it was, explaining, “Well that’s what happens when people get fucked up.”

A man tried to steal a $3 energy drink from a King Street store in an effort to get himself arrested. When an officer said that he could only put him on trespass, the man walked right back into the store as the officer left, prompting the long-awaited arrest he sought after all. Dreams come true, folks.

A man yelled, “Fuck the police” and, “The police can suck my dick,” after spitting at multiple officers who were trying to arrest him for being drunk behind an abandoned house.

A drunk guy on King Street tried to kick down the partition of a cop car and called his arresting officer a “giant pussy.” He’s white, so he survived.

When an officer tried to examine a half-empty vodka bottle sitting next to a man lying on the sidewalk outside of a downtown hotel, the man promptly grabbed it back.

Rarely a good sign when a person walks toward an officer with her arms extended saying, “arrest me.”