It was a real topsy-turvy year for America. It seems like not a day went by when a revered celebrity, well-respected artist, or elected official wasn’t outed as some perverted nightmare person. So let’s take this opportunity to celebrate the old-fashioned crooks and drunkards who remained true to themselves and never tried too hard to hide their criminal antics.
A $3,500 check made out to “McMaster for Governor” was discovered on a sidewalk downtown. Money well spent.
Police responded to calls regarding a man vandalizing property. Upon arrival, an officer met the man who stated, “I’m racist,” while spouting several slurs. In addition to his verbal escapades, the man painted swastikas and “Satan is love” along the condos where he lives.
A man with a portrait of Hitler tattooed on his body was cited for drinking a beer in Marion Square one evening.
A suitcase filled with 30 pounds of copper piping was discovered behind a doctor’s office.
While cleaning, hotel staff found a 23-gram bag of cocaine that a former guest had left behind in a desk drawer. Remember people, always tip your maid.
After being placed under arrest for public intoxication, a man was found to be in possession of a loaded revolver, as well as a ninja throwing star and an assortment of pills.
A man was spotted enjoying a 12-oz. beer and a Four Loko on the sidewalk on a sunny afternoon. When questioned by police, he responded that he was simply celebrating the birth of his daughter. Congratulations to the proud father.
Store security caught a suspected shoplifter who stated that she had been taking crack cocaine, but the woman insisted that the drugs were prescribed to her by a doctor. She then called her dog a “lying SOB” and said she was “aching for a breaking,” according to an incident report. She will likely not call her dog to testify on her behalf.
A man was playing video games in his bedroom when he noticed a man in a white hat peeking through his half-closed bedroom door masturbating. The man asked if the stranger was there visiting his roommate, to which he replied, “No, I am here for you,” before fleeing the building.
An intoxicated man was found banging on his ex-girlfriend’s front door late one evening, yelling her name. The man told police that he wasn’t allowed in because his “ex-girlfriend’s sister does not like him.” Maybe also because it was 2 a.m., he was drunk, and she is his ex-girlfriend.
A man was arrested after receiving several citations for drinking alcohol on the street. Listed among his belongings was a book titled Dead Drunk: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse One Beer at a Time. Apparently, the undead are less likely to attack if your brain is pickled in hooch.
A night of drinking sent a man into an existential crisis. He was found screaming outside of a bar downtown, asking, “Why am I here?” He also promised officers that he would show them the “best flashlight” they had ever seen.
A surprisingly robust hospital patient punched a hole through the wall of his room. Luckily, he was in the right place to have his bones set after turning his fist into a maraca.
A woman was found drinking alcohol inside the bathroom stall of a department store. When asked what day it was, the woman replied, “the 25th Feptember.” The officer asked if she meant “September,” but the woman insisted that she was correct, replying, “I didn’t say September. I said Feptember.” Remember, remember, the 25th of Feptember, the time that some woman got drunk. I know of no rhyme to couple with time, so this little poem is sunk.
Police responded to reports of someone dressed as a pirate scaring carriage horses downtown. The man identified himself as Captain Jack Sparrow and told police that he was simply “saying hi to the horse.” The man also stated that “appearing intoxicated” is part of his impersonation of the beloved Disney character. Employees at a nearby bar told police that the man, who was arrested for public intoxication, had been asked to leave after attempting to order rum and falling on patrons.
After changing the locks to her apartment, a woman returned home to find her kitchen window unlocked and several items missing from her home. The woman later told police that she believed several beverages in her kitchen had been poisoned. After examining the bottles, an officer discovered that the drinks had been mixed with dish detergent, which was sitting out on the kitchen counter.
During Christmas, a man noticed an extension cord stretching from his neighbor’s home to his back porch. Upon further investigation, the man realized his neighbor was stealing electricity from his home, which completely exhausted the man’s spirit of giving. The man wasn’t sure how long the cord was plugged into his home, but his next electricity bill was more than three times the usual amount.
One officer opted to pen an incident report of the most ostentatious and verbose order. In his protracted bulletin, the loquacious constable wrote that some unknown person or persons had “purloined” a man’s clarinet that was resting by the roadway. Unfortunately for lovers of the arts, the woodwind brigand wasn’t able to escape scot-free.
After being asked by police to move on, a loiterer informed officers that the world was doomed and they needed to read the Book of Revelation. If the loiterer is lucky, maybe the world will end before his upcoming court date.
An intoxicated man urinated on the floor of a fast food restaurant, giving new meaning to the term “Golden Arches.”
A woman called police after receiving a disturbing package in the mail. The shipment was addressed to her infant daughter and inside was an 8-inch silver and gold knife that neither she nor the infant had ordered.
A woman was awoken by her dog only to realize that a disoriented drunk had entered her home in search of a bathroom. The intoxicated stranger entered the woman’s bedroom saying, “I got to pee. Where is the bathroom?” In shock, the woman pointed the way to the guest bathroom, but her uninvited guest decided to make herself at home in the master bathroom.
A former sushi chef violated his restraining order by showing up at his old job and demanding the $110,000 he says he’s owed in unpaid wages. Sounds like the sushi chef really got the raw end of that deal.
Two men began fighting after one man asked if he could “grab your wife’s pussy” in exchange for Tic Tacs. Before resorting to fisticuffs, the man explained that it was a joke, and he was merely quoting our current president. For some reason, the other man still took offense to his very diplomatic colleague’s comments.
An intoxicated man was found hiding in the bedroom closet in a stranger’s home. After exiting his hiding spot, the man told police that he broke into the house because he thought the home belonged to his girlfriend, who apparently likes it when he barges in and hangs out in her closet. After being handcuffed by police, the man attempted to flee and was quickly introduced to the ground.
Someone stole a turkey decoy out of a man’s truck. Who or why someone would commit such a fowl act remains unknown, but chances are the thief’s story won’t fly with police.
A man told police that he was fighting an evil demon late one evening. On the night, the demon in question had apparently taken the form of a glass window, and the man suffered cuts and scratches to his fist.
An officer noticed a man’s wife asking him not to threaten passersby on the street. Her request went unnoticed as her husband then threw the pizza he was carrying in the face of another man. Or as Dean Martin would say, “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s a moron.”
A woman was upset with her mother for being intoxicated around her kids, so she hit her in the head with a can of spaghetti.
A man told police that his ex-girlfriend has been harassing him online and sending threatening texts. The man claims that his ex even went so far as to place an obituary notice for him in his hometown newspaper, which caused his family a great deal of concern. The news of his death was greatly exaggerated.
A son told police that his father had consumed about 12 beers before falling out of his boat while trying to start the motor.
An off-duty stripper attacked a cab driver with her stiletto heels outside of a gas station at 4:35 a.m.
One party-hopping Padawan was feeling the Force a bit too hard when police found Darth Vader-shaped MDMA tablets in his vehicle. A quick check of the man’s midichlorian count would likely determine whether or not he was destined for a galaxy far, far away.
A woman proceeded to hang out in the restroom of a grocery store as she drank several containers of wine that she had shoplifted. After retrieving the woman, police found four cartons of wine had been left behind in the stall where the woman was getting flushed on blush.
The manager at a grocery store contacted police regarding an employee/customer theft ring that had allegedly cheated the store out of $14,500. According to the manager, an employee working along with four friends utilized fake coupons and cashier overrides to drastically reduce the cost of purchases. It’s a lot like Ocean’s Eleven, but instead of a casino heist, the culprits made off with loads of Hot Pockets.
A mosh pit turned violent — or more violent — when a man punched another man in the face and fled the scene. Where’s your sense of pit hospitality?
A man was spotted drinking a beer as he rode his bike down the wrong side of the street. When questioned by police, the man said, “I thought I could get away with it.” That may have been the case had the man not been doing everything wrong at once.
A shoplifter was caught attempting to steal strawberries, a red velvet cake, coconut custard, and a random selection of other items. The man admitted to stealing, but offered up a sensible explanation to police. He said he had recently purchased a box of strawberries that were “buy one, get one free.” After not receiving his second box for free, the man decided to take a strawberry shortcut, telling police, “I took the law in my own hands.”
A Warhammer Putrid Blightking figure was stolen from a shop. Also known as the Exalted Champions of Nurgle, this loose brotherhood that populates the northernmost regions of the world appears to have lured another person over to the dark side, tempted by a $55 figurine.
A church was vandalized when someone spray-painted “Jesus is an adult Santa” on the front window of the building.
An officer asked an intoxicated man stumbling down King Street where he came from, to which the man replied, “Heaven.” Fortunately, no one was reported to have been touched by an angel that evening.
A clothing designer handed over $1,625 worth of items to an acquaintance who told her the clothing would be featured in Oprah’s newest book.
A man and his family got a taste of Charleston hospitality while walking to dinner when a passerby randomly reached out and gave him a “nipple twister,” as it was described in an incident report. It is unclear if these were his actual words or the official nomenclature of the Charleston police.
A woman wired $1,250 to a man posing as her son-in-law, but the hustle didn’t stop there. The conman then convinced the woman to hide almost $10,000 in cash among the pages of several magazines and mail the money to New Jersey. The woman also sent along a check for $8,500, but authorities managed to track down the envelope before it reached the Garden State charlatan.
Going through a divorce can be difficult, especially for those caught in the middle. That was the case when a woman contacted police to report that her soon-to-be ex husband had broken into her home and stolen the yellow Labrador that they both share — or had hoped to share.
Restaurant staff called police after they discovered a loaded 9mm pistol that someone had left in a bathroom stall on top of the toilet paper dispenser. Hopefully, whoever left the gun at least remembered to wash their hands.
A man found passed out in an elevator responded to officers’ questions about how much he had to drink that night by saying, “Not enough.” As with any elevator-related bender, the man’s night had its ups and downs.
A one-legged man shoplifted four pairs of pants from a hardware store. Maybe he would have actually paid if they were half-off.
A father called police after he found his son’s vehicle had been wrapped in plastic and toilet paper and doused in syrup. This manner of prank is also known as an “Awful Waffle.”
An intoxicated man in short-shorts took a break in between vomiting to grab another beer as police looked on just waiting for a break in the digestive mayhem.
A man is suspected of eating stolen cakes in a gas station bathroom.
An officer responded to the scene of a verbal dispute between a couple after the boyfriend arrived home late from work. The boyfriend told police that his girlfriend is “artistic, on medication, and she had been drinking.” The girlfriend, although renowned for her artistic spirit, said she just wanted him to leave.
A true folk hero was spotted using a reciprocating saw to remove a parking boot off of his vehicle in the middle of the afternoon.
Two recently evicted tenants are believed to have taken the door to their apartment with them when they were forced to leave. They also left a large hole in the living room wall, proving the old adage: When fate steals a door, it also opens a window — or a huge, gaping hole in your wall.
The clumsiest drug mule in the world entered a hotel and proceeded to accidentally drop a glass jar of marijuana on the ground, shattering the jar and drawing the attention of two nearby SLED agents.
Witnesses told police that a man was walking down the street “yelling about being a senator” before he grabbed another man by the collar and punched him in the face. In Columbia, this is what’s known as a filibuster.
An accordion went missing from a man’s vehicle that he had parked overnight outside his home. Hopefully, this Weird Al in training has learned that thieves just can’t pass up the allure of an unattended squeezebox.