The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Sept. 17 and Sept. 21. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky. 

Illustration by Steve Stegelin

Blotter o’ the week: Officers were alerted to an unknown woman slamming on a downtown home’s door, “trying to break it down.” When officers arrived, the woman stated that she thought the home was an Airbnb and she was there to participate in an orgy. Has she never seen Eyes Wide Shut? You get into orgies by saying “Fidelio,” not breaking a door down.

A woman in West Ashley informed officers $5,000 was stolen from her vehicle, which she claimed had its window pried open. Officers noted the window had no damage, at which point she admitted that she left her car unlocked. Just like that, the suspect went from being someone with the ability to crack into a locked vehicle to anyone with hands who likes money.

A West Ashley man realized his child’s Social Security card was missing recently after searching for it. Not like it’ll be useful by the time he retires anyway.

A West Ashley woman received an email from a home goods store alerting her that the water heater she purchased a few months before had been returned. The twist: She didn’t return the water heater. Someone’s in hot water.

A man’s car was struck by another motorist while driving on Glenn McConnell Parkway. The victim followed the offender to a parking lot, realizing the man that hit him was someone he knew from high school. Taking the awkward “running into people from high school” thing to the next level.

One man told police officers that he may have failed the first part of his standardized field sobriety test due to having a “stigmatism.” Safe to say the cops saw right through this idiot’s defense.

A customer managed to trick two cashiers into giving her $540 in undue change at a local grocery store. That’s either A+ flim-flammery or F- cashiering. Judging from the details of the report, it seems like a little bit of both.

Security footage showed two men running out of a local lingerie store with roughly $8,000 worth of underwear and other merchandise. Steal that much lingerie and you get two bonus pairs of handcuffs.

Officers received a call regarding a drunk guy stealing a woman’s keys and refusing to return them. When officers arrived, the man threw the keys on the ground. Officers did not attempt to retrieve them, so the man picked them back up and went inside his house. Well, he gave them a chance.

After spending time at a downtown strip club, a man found his loaded AR-15 and loaded Glock-19 were stolen from his car. Earlier in the night, he showed the firearms to an unknown man at the club claiming to be a SLED agent. Something tells me that dude wasn’t SLED.

At least one other gun, two magazines and three catalytic converters were stolen from motor vehicles between Sept. 17 and 21.