The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Sept. 4 and Sept. 6. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

Illustration by Steve Stegelin

Blotter o’ the week: Shoplifters stole two shirts valued at $204 from a West Ashley clothing store by stuffing them in their pants and walking out. Video footage shows them heading to a pet store afterwards. Use your imagination to decide how they’ll steal puppies and kittens.

Police responded to a scuffle downtown after a man slapped a cell phone out of a woman’s hand. Since the victim didn’t press charges, he wasn’t arrested and his grandmother came to pick him up. Disappointing Grandma might be worse.

An officer was investigating the area where multiple thefts from motor vehicles occurred in West Ashley when he came across a machete on Ashley River Road. Nobody claimed the blade, probably because no one wants to be known as the person that carries a machete in their car.

During a probable cause search of a vehicle on James Island, the suspect put his head down and stopped making eye contact every time officers asked him about marijuana. Guess what was found in the vehicle? If you said over 120 grams of weed, CPD is hiring.

An unknown thief stole three Social Security cards from a woman’s vehicle one night downtown. Probably reconsider giving that person everyone’s personal documents.

When a man returned from Florida and wasn’t allowed into his mother’s house, he began making verbal threats and saying, “Somebody’s going to pay for this.” When police arrived, he began shouting at police saying, “Somebody’s going to pay for this.” When EMS arrived and tried to put him on a stretcher for his obvious mental breakdown, he denied medical attention probably because someone would indeed have to pay for that.

A woman whose car was damaged told officers that she had recently broken off a relationship with a man who made comments suggesting that he may damage her car. Sounds like a solid lead.

Police responded to a shoplifting in progress at a local home goods store and chased the thief a short while before managing to cuff him. During a quick search, a plastic bag of “ice,” or meth, fell out of the man’s pocket. So, what aisle did he find that on?

Three women walked out of a local clothing store with three bags of stolen merchandise worth $1,200-$1,800, according to a report. That seems like a bit higher than the low, low prices they advertise on TV.

A dumpster fire at a West Ashley apartment complex almost engulfed one of the residential buildings, according to police. Just like the year of our lord 2020, no one knows who started this dumpster fire.

We’ve made a lot of jokes this week, but we want to remind everyone that at least four handguns were stolen from motor vehicles in the past week.