I believe in experiencing variety when it comes to all things in life — employment, food, residence, friends, personal style, and men. Sadly, the latter one is lacking in any major sort of “sampler platter” aspect. In my short 10 years of dating, I find myself stuck in a rut quite frequently when it comes to the opposite sex, passing on the overly nice guy for the one who seems to enjoy pissing me off on a daily basis. The only major difference between the former men in my life is that they’ve all fallen into one of the following categories: metrosexual or macho. But now, I’m proud to announce that there is a brand new hybrid that meets somewhere in the middle: the machosexual.
Inspired by movies like Brokeback Mountain, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and The Break Up, machosexuals claim that just because you’re sensitive doesn’t mean you enjoy lying on the couch with cucumber slices over your freshly waxed eyebrows as you listen to My Morning Jacket. It also doesn’t mean that you’re a flannel-wearing lumberjack who only drinks Budweiser and likes getting into fistfights with guys at the bar and stray dogs. It’s a new kind of macho, evolved from past stereotypes and perfect for an indecisive girl like me. It’s the perfect median down the long road of male personalities. Machosexuality is finally becoming the new thing in Hollywood, claiming actors such as Hugh Jackman, Ben Affleck, Heath Ledger, Russell Crowe, and that knock-my-new-girlfriend-up-before-I’m-even-divorced assclown Brad Pitt.
For those of you new to the concept of machosexuality, see if you or someone you know falls into the category — you’re allowed to be in touch with your feminine side, you just don’t have to wear it on your sleeve. You put value into family and traditions, yet believe in evolution of morals according to the times. You’re allowed to drive a hybrid car, not because it’s hip, but because you’re practical and environmentally aware. You’re happy to work construction, but also enjoy a nice glass of Merlot, even if you don’t flaunt it. You go to the gym not because you care about how ripped your man-boobs are, but because you want to be healthy. You don’t wax anything, but you do trim for the ladies. You’ll happily cook for me and kill the spider in my bathroom. Oh, Mommy like.
As I told a potential suitor on a recent date, I’m looking for a man who doesn’t want to start a bar fight, but can throw down if need be, then pick me up and carry me safely away from the bedlam. Where metrosexuals tend to focus on fashion and grooming, machosexuals harken to the call of a good meal and casual adventure.
Just reading the description makes me realize that I’m not the only one who is looking for compromise. I don’t mean in a relationship sense so much, but in an identity. It’s cool to cry, even if you drink domestic draft. It’s fine to make yourself presentable, but who cares about designer labels? It’s good to call your mom every other day, but not let her dictate your life.
Wait a minute. Oh jeez Louise, I think I just realized something about myself. Is it possible for straight girls to be machosexual? I think I’d proudly be at the top of that list.