I don’t know a damn thing about this whole debt ceiling controversy. In fact, I haven’t read a single article about it. Not a one. Zip. Zilch. And anytime it was mentioned on TV, I turned the channel.

OK. Not always. But most of the time I did. And then some of those times when I didn’t change the channel, I found myself tuning out whatever it was that Paul Begala or Charles Krauthammer or Lawrence O’Donnell were saying in order to ponder a puzzling political koan.

Like exactly how did FITSNews’ Will Folks slide his hands under Nikki Haley’s “turtleneck and [feel] her breasts over the black bra she was wearing” during their alleged middle-school make out session, as Sic Willie claimed in an excerpt from his long-gestating tell-all. I mean, her breasts were over her bra, not under it? Which, albeit grammatically possible, is impossible in the real world. Or is it?

See, I believe Will Folks. I believe everything he has ever said about his relationship with Nikki Haley. I take him at his word, even though he seems to have a problem putting that word to paper. So knowing that he is a man who always speaks the truth, I know that somehow he managed to feel the governor’s boobs over her bra, but I just can’t figure out how.


Then again that’s how koans are. There are meant to baffle the mind and ultimately lead the ponderer to enlightenment, something I’ve generally found around 2 o’clock in the morning on a Saturday night. And believe you me, there’s no such thing as a bad bit of enlightenment, even though sometimes you have to take it out to breakfast the next morning. And that’s generally not a problem. It doesn’t eat much.

Now, I’ve got to be honest with you, when I said I haven’t paid any attention to this debt mess, I wasn’t being entirely truthful. I know nobody likes it — not the Democrats, not the Republicans, and certainly not the computer algorithms that govern the New York Stock Exchange. It’s like the final season of Lost or, even worse, the final episode of Seinfeld.

And based on what I’ve heard and read, I know that Mandarin will soon become the official language of the United States. Which is quite a shame because I’ve been spending my days and nights learning Esperanto.

I don’t know about you, but the idea of a Chinese invasion is pretty doggone frightening. Heck, last night I even had a horrible dream that I was driving over the Ravenel Bridge and I saw the entire Chinese armada on the horizon. I rushed back home to protect my family. Hours went by as we gathered together and prepared ourselves for the end. Then there was a knock on the door. I kissed the wife and the baby and made my way to the door, ready to meet my fate. It was the delivery man from Shuang Xi Kitchen. And I didn’t have enough money for a tip. Needless to say, I woke up in a pool of my own sweet and sour sauce.

The thing is the impending invasion isn’t even the worst of it. Evidently, the United States is being forced by the United Nations to change its name to Greece; Greece, on the other hand, is being forced to change its name to Brokeasfuckistan.

Seriously though, this whole debt showdown is Greek to me. I mean, I know that somebody is getting an Olympic-class screwing, but I don’t know who it is exactly. Is it the rich or the poor? The seniors or their grandchildren? Charlie Sheen or Brooke Mueller?

I tell you, it’s times like these when I wish I had read Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, then maybe I could understand exactly what is going on. At the very least, I would have been able to answer the one question on everybody’s lips these days: Who is John Galt?



Really. I don’t have a clue. I mean, if someone had asked, “Who is John Gulp?” then I would have been able to come up with an educated guess, something like, “He’s a gay porn star” or “He’s Big Gulp’s little brother.”

Truth be told, I don’t know if raising the debt ceiling was a good or a bad thing. The whole thing doesn’t make any sense. From where I’m sitting in the corner with a dunce cap on my head, all I hear is a lot of chatter from a lot of chatterboxes who seem just as confused about this as me.