It’s fitting that the Gamecocks play Texas A&M on Halloween. The Aggies have a pair of monsters on their defensive line, and the team is out for blood after suffering two consecutive defeats and falling out of the Top 25. But the Aggies aren’t the only team left on the schedule which should scare South Carolina fans. This season is dark and full of terrors. Peer into the flames and witness the horrors that await.
To begin with, the South Carolina faithful are already living a nightmare. A phantom has arisen from the grave to test the mettle of this team. Students have reported seeing a shadowy figure lurking in the Five Points during the predawn hours. The Headless Ball Coach is terrorizing the Gamecocks. They must overcome their own ghosts if they have any hope of survival.
Oct. 31 Texas A&M University, Bartertown, Texas
Welcome to the Thunderdome. Two teams enter, one team leaves. Aggies head coach Kevin Sumlin has an overdeveloped aerial attack and a tiny running game. The 12th man sits on his back like a parasitic twin, and the hideous combination await the Gamecocks like the Master Blaster. The Gamecocks better bleed the clock, or this game could quickly turn into the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Nov. 7 University of Tennessee, Somewhere in Appalachia
You can begin to hear the echoes as soon as you head west on I-40 from Asheville. No, not “Rocky Top,” but banjos ringing in the hills. South Carolina must brave the land of the drooling slack-jawed yokel who wears overalls and says creepy shit like, “You have a purdy mouth.” These grotesque creatures, the product of years of inbreeding, have been repeatedly beaten in terrible fashion this season, and if let loose, will be hungry for vengeance. The Volunteers would enjoy making the Gamecocks squeal like pigs.
Nov. 14 University of Florida, Columbia
When Jim McElwain was recently hired to become the Florida Gators head coach, many said it was madness. He was a foreigner, not from the South. Then rumors began to circulate that bodies were disappearing from Gainesville graveyards and lightning struck Century Tower. Suddenly, the corpse of the Gators has been reanimated and is contending for the SEC title. The Gamecocks will need to catch fire in order to drive this monster back into the Swamp.
Nov. 21 The Citadel, Columbia
The Gamecocks better not get too comfortable in their Shire. The Orcs of the Citadel, horrible creatures molded from spilled blood, spent casings, and axle grease, are descending upon the Realms of Men. They’ve been tortured to the point of madness with the One Ring to Rule Them All. The Bulldogs are slaughtering Southern Conference opposition and would love to roast the Gamecocks. These demons from Hell do one thing and one thing only, run the ball. Through seven games, they have only 28 completions.
Nov. 28 Clemson University, Columbia
Kong has escaped! The Eighth Wonder of the World has broken its chains and was last seen climbing the polls and swatting hapless ACC pretenders away. If FSU can’t bring down this beast, it will be up to South Carolina to knock the Grape Ape from his lofty heights. The Cocks are liable to get squashed by this behemoth unless they can play mistake-free football. They would do well to remember ’twas beauty that killed the beast.
The Murder’s Row of opposition that the Gamecocks must defeat in order to make a bowl game this season is truly frightening. South Carolina can either rise up and put a scare into these would-be contenders, or they can curl up into a ball and get buried alive. Either way, I’m sure I’ll be watching with my hands over my eyes.