“I wanna get you in the Georgia Dome on the 50-yard line/ while the dirty birds kick for t’ree/ and if you like in the club we can do it/ in the DJ booth or in the back of the VIP.”
Or so says the immortal poet Ludacris in his monumentally educational song, “What’s Your Fantasy?”
And truth be told, everything I ever wanted to know about freaky sex I learned from Luda. Yet here, when the discussion is about bumping uglies in the great outdoors, Christopher Bridges fails me. Aside from a brief mention of rolling around in a garden, (lame!) “What’s Your Fantasy?” gives us nothing to work with.
So without the words of our Southern hip-hop Lothario to guide, how does a would-be forest nympho know what to do in the woods, well, aside from the obvious?
Consider this the only guide to getting busy in the bushes you’ll ever need.
1. Off the beaten path. Sally Hikes-a-lot and her crew of earthy trailblazers don’t want to see your ass as they trek. Keep your dirty works in the wooded areas where day trippers aren’t likely to stumble upon you.
2. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle Condoms? Uh, no thanks. We suggest glow-in-the-dark condoms for easy application in the deepest, darkest areas of the forest, not to mention caves. (And for the love of Timothy Treadwell, look for bear scat and bones.)
3. Lake Flaccid. Lakes are tempting, but consider the ramifications — you might be pulling on the wrong eel. Beware of shrinkage.
4. Light It Up. Citronella candles: romantic and repellent
5. Get Off. Slap on some D-E-E-T before getting D-I-R-T-Y
6. Firm Footing. Stay on a level playing field; tricky footing can lead to disastrous results. Put your partner over the edge, not over a cliff.
7. Party Half-Naked. Naked may be au natural, but 800 red ant bites on your knees is not. Pant protection is key when going downtown in the woods.
8. Genie in a Bottle. Make sure you have several Nalgene bottles full o’ electrolyte-packed sports drinks. This is after all a full-on cardio workout. If it’s not, maybe you should consider another pastime. Like ranting about socialism and “missing” birth certificates.
9. Sock It to Me. A clean sock… to shove in the mouth of an overly-vocal partner. Surprise guests [i.e. bears, raccoons, hillbillies] are not invited.
10. Firestarters. Make sure you’re far enough away from the fire prior to copulation. Nothing kills a climax like a third-degree burn.
11. Give a Hoot. Respect the forest and clean up after yourself. It’s Mother Nature’s promiscuity playground. And we want to keep it that way for years to come. Right Luda?