[image-1]• Pakistan delaying elections. Enraged U.S. beauty queens riot. “You mean we’re going to have to caucus again!?”

• Not happy to solely target the music swappers on the internet, the record companies are ready to go after the millions of us who got laid with the help of a mixed tape.

• Rudy Giuliani calls for troop surge in Afghanistan. We call for a cashier surge at our McDonalds.

• France warns against young people using cell phones. Apparently, it’s not just the Jonas Brothers ring tones that are a public health danger.

The cold temps have reached the South Carolina media, officially starting the six-month countdown to gripes about the heat.

No slingshots at the San Francisco Zoo, just a pissed off tiger, one fatality, two other victims, and a restaurant staff with vivid memories of that kitchen scene from Jurassic Park.