How many times has this happened to you? You go out for a casual night on the town, drinks, maybe some dancing, definitely some flirting, and whoops, next thing you know you wake up next to a stranger. In Charleston, it’s easy to do.

After a pub crawl in the Holy City, if you don’t end up at a Waffle House bleary-eyed and begging for hash browns, it’s a safe bet you’re curled up next to some alien body wondering what the hell happened. In this instance, there are only a few things going through your mind: Who is this? What did I do with them? And why am I wearing handcuffs? Frightening.

Things you don’t want to hear when you wake up next to a stranger

• Hide!

• Hell of a family reunion huh?

• Sorry about the sink.

• So I was thinking of a June wedding.

• That’ll be $50.

• My friends call me Grizzly.

• Watch your step while exiting my bunk.

• I can’t wait for you to meet my folks. Mom, Dad, come on in!

• If I had a nickel for every time this happened …

• You remember when I said I was 18? I lied.

• Now that’s what I was really missing in prison!

• Baah. Baah. Baah.

• I can’t wait to post last night on YouTube!

• The line for the soup kitchen forms on the left.

Things you don’t want to have to say to a stranger

• Wow, I didn’t notice those tan lines last night. Do you always wear a speedo?

• Why am I naked, and where is my purse?

• Please untie me.

• When I said I like to be spanked, I don’t recall mentioning a paddle.

• They sure are making hide-a-beds sturdy nowadays.

• If I were my underpants, where would I be?

• Mmm, never had sand there before.

• Why are you wearing a mask?

• So if we’re going to continue to (clear throat), I’m going to need to invest in one of those plastic sheets.

• I’m going to have to ask you to take off my high heels.

• Please stop crying.

things to say to a stranger to make them leave

• Are you familiar with Mr. L. Ron Hubbard?

• Our babies are gonna be so beautiful!

• If you’ll just sign here, Girls Gone Wild will be in touch in the next 6 to 8 weeks.

• My parole officer will be here any minute.

• Sing “Butterfly Kisses”

• Quiet. You’ll wake my grandkids.

• You like Creed, right. They’re my favorite band.

• I’m pretty sure Jesus was American.

• Has anyone ever told you that you look like a young Danny Devito?

• I’m contagious.

• My wife is gonna be pissed about this.

• Don’t sweat it. Ringworm is totally treatable.

• Get me a trashcan. NOW!

• Mother goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven’t you?

• Here. Put on this aluminum foil hat to keep the government out of your mind!

the morning after