How many times has this happened to you? You go out for a casual night on the town, drinks, maybe some dancing, definitely some flirting, and whoops, next thing you know you wake up next to a stranger. In Charleston, it’s easy to do.
After a pub crawl in the Holy City, if you don’t end up at a Waffle House bleary-eyed and begging for hash browns, it’s a safe bet you’re curled up next to some alien body wondering what the hell happened. In this instance, there are only a few things going through your mind: Who is this? What did I do with them? And why am I wearing handcuffs? Frightening.
Things you don’t want to hear when you wake up next to a stranger
• Hide!
• Hell of a family reunion huh?
• Sorry about the sink.
• So I was thinking of a June wedding.
• That’ll be $50.
• My friends call me Grizzly.
• Watch your step while exiting my bunk.
• I can’t wait for you to meet my folks. Mom, Dad, come on in!
• If I had a nickel for every time this happened …
• You remember when I said I was 18? I lied.
• Now that’s what I was really missing in prison!
• Baah. Baah. Baah.
• I can’t wait to post last night on YouTube!
• The line for the soup kitchen forms on the left.
Things you don’t want to have to say to a stranger
• Wow, I didn’t notice those tan lines last night. Do you always wear a speedo?
• Why am I naked, and where is my purse?
• Please untie me.
• When I said I like to be spanked, I don’t recall mentioning a paddle.
• They sure are making hide-a-beds sturdy nowadays.
• If I were my underpants, where would I be?
• Mmm, never had sand there before.
• Why are you wearing a mask?
• So if we’re going to continue to (clear throat), I’m going to need to invest in one of those plastic sheets.
• I’m going to have to ask you to take off my high heels.
• Please stop crying.
things to say to a stranger to make them leave
• Are you familiar with Mr. L. Ron Hubbard?
• Our babies are gonna be so beautiful!
• If you’ll just sign here, Girls Gone Wild will be in touch in the next 6 to 8 weeks.
• My parole officer will be here any minute.
• Sing “Butterfly Kisses”
• Quiet. You’ll wake my grandkids.
• You like Creed, right. They’re my favorite band.
• I’m pretty sure Jesus was American.
• Has anyone ever told you that you look like a young Danny Devito?
• I’m contagious.
• My wife is gonna be pissed about this.
• Don’t sweat it. Ringworm is totally treatable.
• Get me a trashcan. NOW!
• Mother goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven’t you?
• Here. Put on this aluminum foil hat to keep the government out of your mind!
the morning after
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