How many times has this happened to you? You go out for a casual night on the town, drinks, maybe some dancing, definitely some flirting, and whoops, next thing you know you wake up next to a stranger. In Charleston, it’s easy to do.
After a pub crawl in the Holy City, if you don’t end up at a Waffle House bleary-eyed and begging for hash browns, it’s a safe bet you’re curled up next to some alien body wondering what the hell happened. In this instance, there are only a few things going through your mind: Who is this? What did I do with them? And why am I wearing handcuffs? Frightening.
Things you don’t want to hear when you wake up next to a stranger
• Hide!
• Hell of a family reunion huh?
• Sorry about the sink.
• So I was thinking of a June wedding.
• That’ll be $50.
• My friends call me Grizzly.
• Watch your step while exiting my bunk.
• I can’t wait for you to meet my folks. Mom, Dad, come on in!
• If I had a nickel for every time this happened …
• You remember when I said I was 18? I lied.
• Now that’s what I was really missing in prison!
• Baah. Baah. Baah.
• I can’t wait to post last night on YouTube!
• The line for the soup kitchen forms on the left.
Things you don’t want to have to say to a stranger
• Wow, I didn’t notice those tan lines last night. Do you always wear a speedo?
• Why am I naked, and where is my purse?
• Please untie me.
• When I said I like to be spanked, I don’t recall mentioning a paddle.
• They sure are making hide-a-beds sturdy nowadays.
• If I were my underpants, where would I be?
• Mmm, never had sand there before.
• Why are you wearing a mask?
• So if we’re going to continue to (clear throat), I’m going to need to invest in one of those plastic sheets.
• I’m going to have to ask you to take off my high heels.
• Please stop crying.
things to say to a stranger to make them leave
• Are you familiar with Mr. L. Ron Hubbard?
• Our babies are gonna be so beautiful!
• If you’ll just sign here, Girls Gone Wild will be in touch in the next 6 to 8 weeks.
• My parole officer will be here any minute.
• Sing “Butterfly Kisses”
• Quiet. You’ll wake my grandkids.
• You like Creed, right. They’re my favorite band.
• I’m pretty sure Jesus was American.
• Has anyone ever told you that you look like a young Danny Devito?
• I’m contagious.
• My wife is gonna be pissed about this.
• Don’t sweat it. Ringworm is totally treatable.
• Get me a trashcan. NOW!
• Mother goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven’t you?
• Here. Put on this aluminum foil hat to keep the government out of your mind!
the morning after
Help keep the City Paper free.
No paywalls.
No subscription cost.
Free delivery at 800 locations.
Help support independent journalism by donating today.
