Blotter o’ the Week: After getting caught doing donuts in the parking lot of Blackbaud Stadium, a man ran from police and tried to hide behind a rack of clothing in the gift shop. He also apparently took the cover off an air-conditioning unit and used the cover to bang on the door to a broom closet. Sounds like a case of assaultin’ Battery.

In an argument over money, two men squared off in the middle of a downtown street around 5 a.m. to fight. One man was holding a section of pipe. The other was holding a pipe, a curtain rod, and a steak knife.

Nightlife Quote o’ the Week: “I was trying to find my car. I don’t know where I am … We were doing wasabi shots.”

In the most unsuccessful string of thefts in recent memory, someone broke into six vehicles in a neighborhood and took only one wallet, a plug for a trailer hitch, and $5 worth of loose change.

Twelve debit cards with one man’s name on them were found sitting in the road at a busy intersection. Sounds like somebody either got robbed or renounced materialism.

A man tried to shoplift two vacuum cleaners by putting them in a shopping cart and walking out of a store. It was a sucky plan.

While working at a sporting goods store, an employee confessed to stealing 10 packages of gummy snacks, 20 bottles of Gatorade, eight tubes of lip balm, a $25 T-shirt, a $14 pair of socks, two bags of chips, and $40 worth of gift certificates.

Somebody stole a safe from an apartment that contained $1,500 worth of rare coins, silver ingots, and a gold nugget. It’s for precisely this reason that Fort Knox is bolted to the ground.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: Three sport coats, a golf bag with clubs, a pair of Tiger Woods golf shoes, two iPhone chargers, $130 in cash, an electronic cigarette, a purse, two wallets, three credit cards, a debit card, a driver’s license, a plug for a trailer hitch, a tire and rim, $200 worth of Christian Dior makeup, two 24-packs of light beer, six gas station gift cards, a laptop computer, a computer charger, and a passport.

A shoeless man tried to take a purse from a 79-year-old woman as she walked out to her car in a parking lot. The woman held on to the purse until the man gave up and ran away.

A man told police that after a night of heavy drinking, he wandered “into a church backyard,” passed out, and woke up to find his watch, wallet, and iPhone were missing.

Honest Abe o’ the Week: When asked why he had shoplifted a bottle of mouthwash, a man replied, “Because I’m an alcoholic.”

A woman suspects that one of her houseguests at a dinner party stole six silver grapefruit spoons worth $264.

Insane Overreaction o’ the Week: While driving downtown, a woman honked her horn at another driver who had performed an illegal U-turn in front of her. The U-turner responded by following the woman home, keying her car with an arm held out the window, throwing a perfume bottle at the car, and yelling things like, “You best not sleep,” “I’ll be back,” and “My name is Sadi, you better know who you’re messing with.”

Somebody keyed the letters VW in the rear passenger door of a car. The Volkswagen gang must be moving in on Audi turf.

After being pulled over for a window tint violation and failing to use a turn signal, a man told police, “I’m going to jail, I have weed in my shoe.” He then took off his shoes and put himself in the handcuffing position. He had somehow crammed a bag in his shoe containing 27 grams of marijuana.

Police received a call about a semi-conscious man who was found lying on his back in a pool of blood on the front porch of an apartment. According to an incident report, police believe the man got drunk, walked to a nearby apartment, punched a window, and then stumbled to a neighboring apartment before falling down on the porch.

Polite Thief o’ the Week: Somebody stole a tire from a vehicle and replaced it with a spare.

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