Blotter o’ the Week: After two men and two women got thrown out of an apartment complex swimming pool for trespassing after hours, they apparently wrecked a joggling board nearby. A witness heard a loud bang followed by a woman saying, “Oh no, I can’t believe it broke. We need to get out of here.”

A man was seen crawling under a house and cutting wires. When a witness yelled at him that police were on the way, he took off running and dropped a duffel bag filled with wires. Either he gets a charge out of this kind of crime, or he just doesn’t fear the coppers.

Police picked up a college student who was passed out on the sidewalk and had him taken to the hospital. When he woke up, he reportedly giggled a lot and told the ER staff, “You’re making me apprehensive” and “I was drinking shots and liquor.”

Somebody stole all four wheels off a car in a used vehicle lot. The owners came in the next morning and found the car up on blocks.

In another instance of getting cozy with a sidewalk, a man told officers that he was diabetic and had consumed 10 vodka mixed drinks in an evening. EMS arrived and found that his blood sugar level was 219. EMS offered to take him to the hospital for treatment, but he replied, “No, I’ll go to jail.” Police obliged his request.

While out on the town for a bachelor party, a gentleman decided to whip out his penis and pee on an SUV that was parked on the street. When a cop asked the man why he had decided to use the restroom alfresco, he replied, “Can we just move past that?” The officer did not move past it and gave him a citation for public intoxication.

Stolen From Homes This Week: Six TVs, two laptop computers, an iPad, a cable modem, five bicycles, a passport, a gym bag, a water bottle filled with money, a bag of Ritz crackers, and the contents of a piggy bank.

A convenience store clerk called the police because a man was drinking hard iced tea in the parking lot and refused to leave. When an officer arrived and asked the man what he was doing, he said, “I’m waiting for someone.” The cop asked who he was waiting for, and the man replied, “Your mama!” When he noticed the officer wasn’t laughing, he said, “What, you can’t take a joke?” He was arrested on charges of public intoxication and trespass after warning.

Inconsiderate Thief o’ the Week: Someone broke into a house and disconnected the refrigerator and gas range. However, the thief must not have been able to fit the appliances through the doorway, because they were left in the kitchen. Unfortunately, the fridge had been connected to water, so water was left running and soaked through the hardwood floors, moulding, and lower cabinets.

A man ordered delivery pizza and paid for it with a counterfeit $100 bill.

A drunk man promised a police officer that he’d take a taxi home, but the officer watched as he did nothing while multiple taxi cabs drove by. The cop told him he needed to take a cab or else get arrested, and he replied, “I’m going to get the next one. I don’t want to go to jail; that would suck.” Then he leaned against a wall and refused to leave. He went to jail, and it sucked.

After getting caught stealing the police department’s GPS-equipped bait bicycle, a man told an officer, “Yes, that’s my bike. I’ve had it for a couple weeks now.”

A cop stopped a woman on suspicion of DUI and asked if she had used any drugs recently. The woman replied, “What kind?” The officer said, “Any kind,” and she said, “None.” Thinking on her feet, this one.

Confession o’ the Week: During a traffic stop, a woman said, “I ain’t gonna lie, there’s a little bit of weed in a plastic teddy bear in my bag.”

Good Deed Punished o’ the Week: A church purchased 372 pairs of pants to distribute to the poor, and someone walked into the church overnight and stole them.

A man got caught shoplifting three fishing poles. Police did not let him off the hook.

During a traffic stop, a man admitted that he had some cocaine in his pocket. Police searched the rest of his clothes and his vehicle and also found a large bag containing about 80 grams of marijuana, 70 grams of coke hidden in a sock crammed in a door pocket, 10 grams of crack cocaine, $3,413 in cash, a digital scale, two pistols, an assault rifle, ammunition, and a flash drive.

While shoplifting a 12-pack of beer, a man said, “I’m taking this beer, and you can call the cops. I don’t care if I have to go to jail for 30 days.”

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