I was driving along our streets in my car because that is how I like to

do my driving, and I saw a billboard that said “For Cocaine Problems

call 723-56777″ or some other phone number.

I gave it some thought and I decided that I am NOT going to call them

because I don’t want a cocaine problem. (I’ve got enough problems

already with an ex-wife, raising a loving child child and my

fixation on the day to day whereabouts of Tonya Harding.)

Any way, the cocaine billboard got me thinking about drugs and

specifically my personal drug history. Actually I have very

little drug history. Me discussing my drug history is like W

discussing the weapons of mass destruction that he has found in Iraq.

(Big build up, very little follow though.)

I’ve tried alcohol. I mean, I do have a college degree, I was a

member of a fraternity and thus, even as a “non-drinker” I have had

perhaps 7 beers in my life. Nasty tasting stuff. Can’t believe that

it’s popular and seems to get more popular. To me, it would be no more

surprising if it was found that drinking the sweat off the testicles

of a rat made you intoxicated and THAT became popular. Being a non-drinker in college is like being a vegetarian and member of a hunting lodge.

(Can cut all the below “homosexual” humor)

Quite honestly,I feel the same way about alcohol that I do about

homosexuality. I know that it has quite a fan base but it’s just not

suited to my personal taste.

Please do not take that above “joke” as anti-homosexual. In reality,

I wish that I was a homosexual. I have proven that I am not much good

at pleasing a woman over time and perhaps homosexuality is the answer.

Now, if I could just get over my stumbling block of NEVER having been

attracted to a guy.


Frankly, I’m jealous of homosexuals. Every homosexual couple I know

seems to be doing, on average, a much better than their heterosexual

counterparts. The homosexual couples that I hang out all seem to have

established safe environments in which they can properly raise

houseplants, cats or a child. I struggle just to raise one child.

But enough about my homosexual hopes and back to my alcohol and drug use…

It takes exactly one beer or alcoholic drink for me to be drunk. And

so friends in the past have encouraged me to drink because they find

it entertaining to watch me drunk.

All I can say in my limited experience is that alcohol makes me

affectionate and silly. If I have a tad too much alcohol, it makes me

dizzy. Since I am already affectionate and silly and feel no need to

be dizzy, I do not drink.

Since the primary effect of alcohol is that it makes you dizzy,

wouldn’t it be more simple if bars had an attendent and a children’s

merry-go-round out front rather than a bouncer. The attendent would

ask how drunk you want to get? Lets say the person responds with

“Very drunk.”. The person/drinker would then lay down on the

merry-go-round for approximately 7 spins and get up “very drunk”… at

a cost much lower than the price of 7 apple martinis. My

merry-go-round theory provides all of the pleasures of alcohol and

even all of the potential vomit.

In short, these are the basic reasons that I do not use other drugs :

Cocaine- not a snorter. Don’t snort when I laugh and unwilling to

snort for drug use.

Heroin- afraid of needles and already thin.

Crystal Meth- don’t like anything made in a bathtub, also why in an

earlier life I did not drink “bathtub gin”.

Crack- don’t like pipes or people that smoke pipes. Also, the primary reason I don’t hang out with Hef.

Industrial Kitchen Solvents- clean floors are more important to me

than getting high.

Marijuana- am already lazy enough. And I see no reason to slow down

the fevered excitment of a “Golden Girls” episode.

Sometimes, you just have to face facts, and I just don’t seem to have

what it takes to be an addict. In summation, I encourage you to “Just Say No”

to drugs unless you’re forced into a dinner with Nancy Reagan. Then take whatever

is necessary to get through the evening.

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