I was driving along our streets in my car because that is how I like to
do my driving, and I saw a billboard that said “For Cocaine Problems
call 723-56777″ or some other phone number.
I gave it some thought and I decided that I am NOT going to call them
because I don’t want a cocaine problem. (I’ve got enough problems
already with an ex-wife, raising a loving child child and my
fixation on the day to day whereabouts of Tonya Harding.)
Any way, the cocaine billboard got me thinking about drugs and
specifically my personal drug history. Actually I have very
little drug history. Me discussing my drug history is like W
discussing the weapons of mass destruction that he has found in Iraq.
(Big build up, very little follow though.)
I’ve tried alcohol. I mean, I do have a college degree, I was a
member of a fraternity and thus, even as a “non-drinker” I have had
perhaps 7 beers in my life. Nasty tasting stuff. Can’t believe that
it’s popular and seems to get more popular. To me, it would be no more
surprising if it was found that drinking the sweat off the testicles
of a rat made you intoxicated and THAT became popular. Being a non-drinker in college is like being a vegetarian and member of a hunting lodge.
(Can cut all the below “homosexual” humor)
Quite honestly,I feel the same way about alcohol that I do about
homosexuality. I know that it has quite a fan base but it’s just not
suited to my personal taste.
Please do not take that above “joke” as anti-homosexual. In reality,
I wish that I was a homosexual. I have proven that I am not much good
at pleasing a woman over time and perhaps homosexuality is the answer.
Now, if I could just get over my stumbling block of NEVER having been
attracted to a guy.
Frankly, I’m jealous of homosexuals. Every homosexual couple I know
seems to be doing, on average, a much better than their heterosexual
counterparts. The homosexual couples that I hang out all seem to have
established safe environments in which they can properly raise
houseplants, cats or a child. I struggle just to raise one child.
But enough about my homosexual hopes and back to my alcohol and drug use…
It takes exactly one beer or alcoholic drink for me to be drunk. And
so friends in the past have encouraged me to drink because they find
it entertaining to watch me drunk.
All I can say in my limited experience is that alcohol makes me
affectionate and silly. If I have a tad too much alcohol, it makes me
dizzy. Since I am already affectionate and silly and feel no need to
be dizzy, I do not drink.
Since the primary effect of alcohol is that it makes you dizzy,
wouldn’t it be more simple if bars had an attendent and a children’s
merry-go-round out front rather than a bouncer. The attendent would
ask how drunk you want to get? Lets say the person responds with
“Very drunk.”. The person/drinker would then lay down on the
merry-go-round for approximately 7 spins and get up “very drunk”… at
a cost much lower than the price of 7 apple martinis. My
merry-go-round theory provides all of the pleasures of alcohol and
even all of the potential vomit.
In short, these are the basic reasons that I do not use other drugs :
Cocaine- not a snorter. Don’t snort when I laugh and unwilling to
snort for drug use.
Heroin- afraid of needles and already thin.
Crystal Meth- don’t like anything made in a bathtub, also why in an
earlier life I did not drink “bathtub gin”.
Crack- don’t like pipes or people that smoke pipes. Also, the primary reason I don’t hang out with Hef.
Industrial Kitchen Solvents- clean floors are more important to me
than getting high.
Marijuana- am already lazy enough. And I see no reason to slow down
the fevered excitment of a “Golden Girls” episode.
Sometimes, you just have to face facts, and I just don’t seem to have
what it takes to be an addict. In summation, I encourage you to “Just Say No”
to drugs unless you’re forced into a dinner with Nancy Reagan. Then take whatever
is necessary to get through the evening. Stay cool. Support City Paper. City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.