Wants to celebrate your one week anniversary.

Orders only yogurt parfaits and salads at McDonald’s.

Knows every single word to “I Will Survive” and sings it with conviction.

Speaks in third person.

Steals your keys to have a copy made.

Gives you a smooch and starts humming “Here comes the bride.”

Gives you a framed photo of herself.

Stalks you via your friends.

Hacks into your e-mail, then calls, yelling, “Who’s Jasmine and why are you signed up for FilipinoMatchmakers.com!?”

Loans you her phone, then alcohol-swabs it down.

Sleeps with a satin sleep mask bedazzled with the word “Princess.”

Calls you “doll-baby schnookum-pops” in front of your friend at your Super Bowl party.

Begins every discussion with “But Daddy said…”

Makes a decision only after consulting Oprah.

Insists on always holding hands.

Makes a comment regarding your body, then rejoinders with, “OK, I didn’t mean Danny DeVito.”

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