I’ve always said if my life were a sitcom, it would be called And Then There’s the Single Girl. Stretched out on my couch while zoning out to Lifetime Television, I envision the opening credits, a montage of myself in colorful mismatched clothes with cleavage so heavy it looks like there’s an ass growing out of my chest. In each segment, I become an increasingly annoying nuisance to my married friends. It opens with a shot of me clutching a large bottle of wine and knocking on a door. A young couple answers the door, smirks, and “tsk-tsks” at me. I shrug, smile goofily, and let myself in. “There’s Jen and Nick, and then there’s the single girl!” Sitting on the couch, I throw my wild bouffant hairdo backwards, cackling at the TV. I sit between another young couple who share a glance and a weak smile. “There’s John and Diane, and then there’s the single girl!” A newly married pair stand in front of the chapel, posing for pictures that they’ll one day show their great-grandkids. All of a sudden, an intoxicated version of myself appears on the side of the frame, and I begin to feverishly dry hump the bride. The groom throws his arms up in defeat, while the bride’s smile becomes a tense wince, “And then there’s the single girl! Yeah!”

Of course, these flights of fancy are all exaggerations. I mean, it is TV. But there is a certain truth to feeling like a sitcom character. In every sitcom, especially the ones involving families or young married couples, there is always the wacky sister, best friend, or neighbor, who can never find a man, or who just whores it up all the time. Don’t believe me? Exhibit A, B, & C for the court:

A) On the sitcom Roseanne, Roseanne’s sister Jackie Harris can’t even keep a job, let alone a man. It wasn’t until she got knocked up by Dan’s co-worker Fred that she finds a semblance of stability, but even that relationship ends in divorce.

B) Mad About You had Jamie Buchman’s sister, Lisa. Another lonely, insecure, man-hungry single who frequents the couple’s apartment with dirty laundry and one-night-stand confessions. Her parents’ constant harping about her marital status always seems to trigger an eating disorder.

C) And then there’s producer Roz Doyle from Frasier, a seemingly confident serial dater turned insecure single mom after a brief fling with a college student.

On paper, these characters all sound so hopeless and sad. But watching the stereotypical sitcoms with their largely predictable conflicts, these multidimensional ladies provide the most entertainment. They are funny, flawed, and familiar. I am these sitcom characters. And it’s high time that girls like me fully embrace their sitcom girl status, because we provide the paprika in our married friends’ mostly salt-and-pepper lives. So ladies, let’s join hands and say hello to our inner Elaine from Seinfeld, our Blanche from The Golden Girls, our Rebecca from Cheers, and be proud. I have no problem with And Then There’s the Single Girl coming back for another season … as long as it’s not on the WB.

Listen to Jessica Chase weekday mornings on 98X.

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