Let’s face it: Horatio Sanz is a big star, even if he is Chilean.

As such, there was no way in hell this little, insignificant arts and entertainment paper was ever going to get an interview with the funniest big man on Saturday Night Live since Chris Farley.

Not that it bothers us, or hurts our feelings.

Since we didn’t get the interview (and since Horatio Sanz and his Kings of Improv will sell out no matter what we say), we now present how we think the interview would have gone:

City Paper: We’re ecstatic you’re coming into town on such short notice to fill the space in the Fringe schedule made by the departure of Human Giant. What should people expect coming to your all-improv show?

Sanz: Once, at a Chicago Improv Festival years ago, my character in one long-form performance was supposed to be blind, so I purposely tried to hurl myself 10 feet down into the orchestra pit at the Athenaeum Theatre off of Southport Avenue.

CP: There’s no orchestra pit at the American Theater.

Sanz: Pity. But I am bringing some top-notch comedy talent. Problem is, every time I book a buddy, they get hired for a TV thing, so I’m not real sure who else will be on the show.

CP: Will it be people we recognize?

Sanz: If Jerry (Minor of SNL) can make it, yeah; or Jack McBrayer, who I understand was deemed “Mr. Piccolo” last year by this paper, yes?

CP: Yes.

Sanz: Speaking of faces, don’t I recognize yours?

CP: As a matter of fact, we dined together at a table full of performers at the Golden Apple diner across the street the very same night you tried to impale yourself on a tuba.

Sanz: Yeah, you were the dude trying to suck up to Kevin Dorff, who went on to write and perform on Conan O’Brien’s show.

CP: Ha ha ha … ha … Hey, that’s funny.

Sanz: Guess you never made it to New York.

CP: Changing the subject, you were singled out back in Chicago for your beautiful singing voice when you were still performing with Second City on its Etc. stage.

Sanz: (sings) “Goodbye, Norma Jean …”

CP: Right, right; Sir Elton John, very good, as usual.

Sanz: He’s gay.

CP: Which makes him a minority in this day and age, much like yourself when you were hired as SNL’s first-ever Hispanic cast member.

Sanz: This isn’t going to degrade into some sort of “Oh, Horatio, you’re so brave” kinda interview, is it?

CP: No, but I am probably going to fawn about your involvement with the Upright Citizens Brigade.

Sanz: Plenty to fawn about there, bro-bro; I still get up on stage and perform at the UCB’s theatre when time permits, mostly with A.S.S.S.S.C.A.T. 3000, which got its own one-night show on Bravo.

CP: Much laughs on that show. Speaking of laughter, you never seemed to be able to contain yours when performing a sketch with Jimmy Fallon before he left SNL.

Sanz: One time, me and Jimmy Fallon did a sketch where we were Italian guys who “soaked cork,” but the way it came out of our mouths, it sounded like we were guys who “sucked …” well, you get the picture.

CP: Mr. Sanz, you always seem to play schlubs with a heart of gold that audiences can’t help but cheer for…

Sanz: One time (short pause) … one time (longer pause) … one time I jumped this far. No, really, I did … Really.

CP: I’m quite sure, Mr. Sanz.

Sanz: Hey, man, I gotta go; the clock on the wall just went “bong!”

CP: But it’s only 4:20.

Sanz: Exactly, my good man. Exactly.

(None of this actually happened. Or did it not happen?)

HORATIO SANZ AND THE KINGS OF IMPROV • Piccolo Spoleto’s Piccolo Fringe at the American Theater • $17 • May 27, 29 at 9 p.m. • 1 hour • American Theater, 446 King St. • 554-6060

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