Because nobody else is going to tell you what happened and you’re damn sure not going to watch yourself — here’s a wrap up of last night’s Bachelor episode focusing on our three remaining Lowcountry girls: Stephanie, Kate, and Nicole.

9:30: Some girl calls Stephanie a hussy in the preview. This is going to be a great night.

9:35: I’m already tired of this. I don’t remember what his name is (okay, it’s Andy), but anyway, he’ll now be known as ‘da Cheese. For example, ‘da Cheese gets ready to see the girls: “Operation Soulmate is about to begin.” The girls then go bull riding, to which ‘da Cheese says, “This is totally turning me on.”


9:41: Girls are forced to change in a room with no mirrors. What is this Iran!

9:43: Nicole gets her alone time and continues fawning over ‘da Cheese: “Andy looks amazing.” They dance, but Andy worries about what the other girls will think. Not a good sign.

9:50: Lesson #1: Here’s how you tell a conservative girl you’re easy: “I’m conservative, yet open-minded.”

9:53: Nicole misses out on a special “quality time” date. Some other girl gets to go to a lookout point. ‘Da Cheese is hugging on her like he’s looking for a kiss, she’s acting like he’s got onion on his breath. “Has anyone told you that you have the cutest dimples ever?” Sorry, Cheese, no dice.

10:00: It’s not Stephanie that gets called a hussy! I think it was our girl Kate calling out this other girl that pulled Andy away from the rest of the gang.


10:08: It’s a race to win some alone time. Kate is kicking ass in the swimming pool while two other blondes try to keep their hair dry. Go Kate! But she falls back on the bike and a girl from Texas wins. If only the competition was a 10K over a suspension bridge!


10:12: Back to Stephanie. She has no idea what to wear. One hot outfit and one really trashy, really hot outfit. Nicole: “You’re on a first date with a guy and you’re going to wear the craziest, most revealing outfit ever?” Nicole, honey, there’s a reason you’re single.

10:20: Stephanie says she’s a small-wedding girl. From this town? No way.

10:30: It’s the rose night and ‘da Cheese is chatting with the girls. ZZZZZZ.

10:32: Stephanie tells the girls that she’s been dumped for a virgin. “What guy wouldn’t like that.” Then she calls out Alexis as a virgin. Rowrrr!

Nicole: “Two barbies and one Ken doesn’t match.” Sister, really, you don’t know anything about men, do you?

10:36: ‘Da Cheese hates to see three girls go: “I’m a healer, I’m a doctor. And the thought of instilling pain in people, it doesn’t go well with my heart and my mind.”

10:43: “Da Cheese: “I love to dance with Nicole. She makes me feel so good inside.” You go, girl! What the hell do I know?

10:45: One of the other girls goes psycho. “It would almost be relieving not to get a rose.” Girl, that’s common sense catching up with you!

10:50: Rose ceremony. Stephanie is already safe after her date earlier.

10:53: Kate gets her rose. “Shut up,” she says. Nicole gets the next one. She giggles.

10:56: He sends the virgin home. For those keeping score, that’s Virgins 1, Stephanie 1.

Next week: Mud wrestling. Race car driving. A girl gets sent to the hospital. —Greg Hambrick

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