John Conyers, prominent Democratic congressman, says that President Bush’s decision to commute Scooter Libby’s prison sentence creates “the suspicion was that if Mr. Libby went to prison, he might further implicate other people in the White House.”

Patrick Leahy, prominent Democratic senator, suggests that Bush “bought [Libby’s] silence” with the commutation but withheld a full pardon as “a blatant way of guaranteeing” Scooter wouldn’t talk.

Cindy Sheehan, prominent insane person, says that she will run against Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi unless the speaker files articles of impeachment against President Bush, in part because the president kept Libby out of prison.

Oh, and Sheehan also says that one reason she’s planning to run for Congress is because “the little voice inside [my] head” told her to.

Proving that God understands that the key to great comedy is timing, all of these events occurred the same week American commemorated the 60th anniversary of the “weather balloon crash” (wink, wink) in Roswell, N. M. Sixty years of government conspiracies and cover-ups, all to keep us poor, deluded Americans from finding out “the truth.”

Just ask Agents Scully and Mulder.

I asked Dennis Balthaser a “certified UFO field investigator” (hey, you think I’d trust an uncertified one?) what the government is still hiding in Roswell. Do they really think the Star Wars generation would be freaked out by proof of extraterrestrial life?

“It’s just government’s nature to cover things up,” he told me. “That’s what they do. Watergate, Iran-Contra, the Kennedy assassination…”

JFK? Yeah, right.

But I have to give the “certified” Mr. Balthaser his due. At least he knows what his conspirators are up to. What do conspiracy theorists Leahy, Conyers, and Sheehan (and/or her “little voices”) believe George W. Bush is conspiring to do? What Bush secret would Scooter Libby take to his cold, dark prison cell, if required?

The fact that the Bushies screwed up the war in Iraq? That Bush didn’t hold people like Don Rumsfeld accountable? That we’ve lost vital years of time to turn Iraq around, and that the mission may now be politically impossible thanks to presidential incompetence?

These aren’t secrets. They’re front-page news.

Thirty-five percent of self-identified Democrats say they believe the Bush administration either participated in the attack on the World Trade Center or at least knew about it in advance. Meanwhile, a new poll says that 45 percent of Americans think President Bush should be impeached, and a whopping 54 percent say the same about Dick Cheney.

People don’t like the president. His approval rating is 29 percent. Fine. I get that.

But half of all Americans want him charged with high crimes and thrown out of office? For what? The “crime” of country-club loyalty to his inept stooges?

Ask angry liberals why they want to impeach Bush, and you get the usual blather: Iraq, the NSA, WMDs, blah, blah, blah. What they’re really thing to say (I think) is that things are so screwed up they can’t believe it’s an accident. The Bushies are doing it on purpose!

Why is it so hard for people who can believe in little green men, grassy knoll killers, and controlled detonations by secret squads of Israeli Freemasons to accept the fact that, in this world, sometimes things go wrong? Bad things happen, to good people and to good countries. It’s no mystery.

Scooter Libby didn’t out a CIA agent. Bush-hater Richard Armitage did. Bush didn’t lie about Iraq’s WMD program. Saddam did, which is why the world (and his own restless Shia population) believed he had them.

No conspiracies, no cover ups. Just bad judgment and bad luck.

Why can’t Democrats believe the facts when they hear them?

Maybe they’re waiting to hear it from the “little voices.”

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