Blotter O’ The Week:

A shoplifter tried to stuff four tape measures down the front of his pants.

Dude, measuring with a different ruler isn’t going to make it any bigger.

Threat O’ The Week:

“If I can’t have you, then no one can. And if you fuck around, your body will come up missing.”

Stolen Item O’ The Week:

Rodeo Brown hair extensions

Unknown suspects poured five bottles of dish soap and one bottle of laundry detergent into the fountain at Waterfront Park. Yay, free bubble baths for the homeless!

When asked to recite the alphabet, a Daniel Island man pulled over for suspected DUI told police that he had graduated college. He then began to stumble around the letter Q, telling officers, “Come on man, you know I know my alphabet.” We’re guessing he graduated with a B.A. in B.S.

Spontaneous Admission of Guilt O’ The Week:

“There might be a bong behind the seat.”

Devout Threat O’ the Week:

“You will meet your maker.”

A West Ashley woman accused of drunken driving, hitting a man on his bike, and then fleeing the scene asked officers, “What should I do?” Call a really good lawyer.

Best Place to Pass Out Drunk O’ The Week:

Between two parked cars in a CofC parking lot.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

Stay cool. Support City Paper.

City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.