Look, I know you can’t know what your dog does when you’re not there. I know I should talk to you about it but I don’t really like talking to you. And the thing is he barks. A lot. And when you go out til 3 am 3-4 nights a week, I’m lying awake listening to the incessant barking of your fat, dirty dog. And it makes me hate the dog when really I should be hating you.

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