BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A middle-aged woman interrupted a man’s meal at a roadside diner to show off her marksmanship trophy and to brag about her proficiency with her weapon of choice, saying she could “hit a bullseye at 400 yards” with her pistol. After he told her to leave him alone, she left, allegedly threatening to “come back and shoot up the place.” She did return a half-hour later with a revolver. No one was hurt, except for Thelma, who was apparently left at home this time.

A neighbor upset about a yappy pooch told a downtown woman to get her dog under control. He allegedly warned, “If you don’t handle the dog, I will and I will handle you, too.” The real question is whether he’ll break into a song from Wicked or just cackle like the Wicked Witch in the movie.

After her car was stolen, a woman told officers to look for a front license plate that read, “A Gift from God.” We don’t know about you, but when we see a gift without a gift tag, it’s fair game.

A minivan driver was arrested for drunk driving after sending police on a chase through West Ashley. With a busted tire, the driver told officers, “I was going home, but I’m way too drunk now.” Yeah, and without transportation.

Odd Find O’ The Week: An officer on patrol found a pair of Birkenstocks, a spilled cup of Starbucks coffee, and a trail of blood leading down the street for several feet. If local brewers can’t have your business, no one will!

A jealous girlfriend has been hassling a downtown woman who she believes has been courting her man. The victim thought they’d resolved the dispute, but recently received a phone call where the suspect allegedly told her that if she called her boyfriend one more time, “I will kick your pussy through your mouth.” She called back a few minutes later to warn her to stay out of town. “I will be waiting,” she warned. “Trust me. Bring your family.”

Stolen Items O’ The Week: Five GPS units, four bikes, and three iPods

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

Stay cool. Support City Paper.

City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.