Conflicting Theft O’ The Week: Among the items stolen in a home break-in were a gold chain with a pendant that read, “SEXY,” and a ring with the Virgin Mary on it. We’re going to assume they weren’t worn together.

When officers began questioning a man suspected of loitering, the suspect said, “I ain’t gotta tell you shit — I’m a soldier.” Just further proof that “You can’t handle the truth” is a line created by Hollywood.

Weapon O’ The Week: A bicycle seat

Two sisters allegedly got into a fight after one of them arrived at her ex-boyfriend’s house and found her big sis standing in the yard. Getting out of her car, she allegedly pushed her sister into some nearby bushes, then fled the scene before officers arrived.

Asked how much he had to drink, a man suspected of panhandling told officers he’d been drunk for 10 years. It then should have come as no surprise when officers took him into custody for being “grossly intoxicated.”

A man suspected of crashing into a light post and a mailbox at first agreed to a field sobriety test, looking at the patrol car camera and saying, “Hi Mom. This is going to be great on camera!” The man then failed to complete the tests, telling officers, “Screw it. You’re going to take me to jail anyway because I’m drunk.”

Threat O’ The Week: “If I’m going to go to jail, at least it will be for something.”

A woman reported that someone was making purchases off of her elderly mother’s account. Most of the purchases appear to be cable, power, and car insurance bills. It’s nice to see thieves are taking care of the essentials before splurging on themselves.

Items Stolen This Week: Five GPS units, four bikes, two iPods, two laptops, and a surfboard.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

Stay cool. Support City Paper.

City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.