It took me the better part of an afternoon, but I did it. I read the entire healthcare reform bill, all 2,000-plus pages of it. And I’ve got to tell you, it’s a pretty gripping read. Once again, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have churned out another thrilling page-turner.
The plot is pretty simple: A thrice-divorced, booze-swilling reporter with a penchant for betting on the horses and watching C-SPAN After Dark is contacted by a mysterious man called the Luv Guv. The informant has a copy of a top-secret document detailing the Democrats’ plan to bring a Soviet-style socialist regime to the United States. The Luv Guv, who may or may not be an operative for the Republican Party, is also selling black market Girl Scout cookies out of the back of his Chevy Suburban in order to put his boys through college.
We later learn that the Luv Guv has a paramour south of the equator. Unbeknownst to the whistleblower, his lady love is an agent for Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. In a surprise plot twist, our hero, the thrice-divorced, booze-swilling reporter with a penchant for betting on the horses and watching C-SPAN After Dark, discovers that Chavez is actually the clone of Josef Stalin and Ernest Borgnine, the latter of whom teams up with the now half-robotic Luv Guv to take on the dictator. The heroic duo then defeats Chavez in a sword fight, the likes of which has never occurred before — on screen or in the bedroom.
When all is said and done, the reporter gets the girl, gives up the booze, and realizes that in fact he’s really a Weather Channel After Dark man. Oh, and the healthcare reform bill passes because everybody was too busy to notice that it was working its way through the House of Representatives. The communists win, but nobody cares. At least not until the transport trucks pull into town and the blue-helmets from the United Nations begin awarding all-expenses-paid trips to Disneyland Siberia to gun owners. That makes the masses jealous.
And that’s only a fraction of what’s in this exciting new piece of legislation.
I’m sure you’ve already heard about the bit which prevents health insurance companies from denying coverage to children because of pre-existing conditions. (Thanks for spoiling that plot twist, Anderson Cooper.) And I know you’ve already been told about the part which allows parents to keep their sons and daughters on their health insurance plans until the kids turn 26. I won’t even bother discussing either of those any further. There are more important things to talk about.
Like the other twists and turns that the healthcare reform bill has in store for readers. The ones found in the section titled “Much Ado About Talk Show Hosts” are the most shocking.
One, callers to The Sean Hannity Show are no longer required to utter the salutation, “You’re a great American, Sean.” They can now say “Hello” like the rest of us.
Two, Rush Limbaugh cannot come within 25 yards of a drug store, and he is absolutely forbidden from stepping foot in Costa Rica. He scares the children.
Three, Glenn Beck is forever banned from holding a piece of chalk, that is unless he intends to play a game of hopscotch. In that case, it’s OK for him to draw on the sidewalk.
Four, the producers of The Mark Levin Show must change out the cedar chips in Levin’s underground bunker once a week. It’s beginning to stink.
Five, Bill O’Reilly has been limited to one food and one food only: falafel.
Six, Keith Olbermann must grow his moustache back and talk only in sports cliches. If he fails, he will be given a parrot that knows only these words: “You are the worst person in the world.”
Now, for those of you who are worried about how we will fund healthcare reform, don’t. It’s all covered. Every time Joe Biden commits a gaffe, he has to give Uncle Sam a quarter.
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Stay cool. Support City Paper.
City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.