Alvin Greene has all the answers

Whether you want to win an election, pick up co-eds, or give the world a reason to believe that Andy Kaufman fathered a love-child while touring the South during his short but illustrious wrestling career, the Democratic senatorial nominee is an all-seeing, all-knowing fount of useful information. He’s like Google on Quaaludes. The Oracle at Delphi on a morphine drip. Forrest Gump.

Seriously. That’s the only conclusion that can be made once you hear Greene’s solution to fix the ailing economy: action figures. And not any action figures mind you. But Alvin Greene action figures.

Last week, the Mystery Man of Manning told the Guardian, “Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an Army uniform, Air Force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That’s something that would create jobs. So you see, I think out of the box like that. It’s not something a typical person would bring up. That’s something that could happen, that makes sense. It’s not a joke.”

You can rest assured, Alvin, that no one believes you’re joking. Not a single living soul. We all know that you are as serious as the tears on Lindsay Lohan’s face, the media mea culpa that will soon spill out of Mel Gibson’s mouth, and the uncomfortable confession from sweet-talking Larry Marchant that he dipped his pen in India ink. We believe you like we have never believed anyone before.


You speak the truth. In fact, we’ve already begun production on a line of our very own politically themed action figures, each and every one a perfect Christmas Day gift for every single member of your family, from 5-year-old Hayden, who is on more mood-altering medicines than Medicare has clients, to 18-year-old Chastity, who just left the empty nest to spend the next four years as the nightly entertainment at La Maison Derrière, to Grandpa Burt, who frequently mistakes the Fox and Friends morning show for soft-core, MMF porn. These are gifts that the whole family will love.

Take, for instance, our Lindsey Graham action figure. Thanks to his angelically light loafers, Graham is able to fly from one side of the aisle to the next, dodging the taunts of Tea Partiers and soaring high above the vicious rumors that follow him everywhere he goes. (John McCain sold separately.)

And if you’re going to have Lindsey, well, you’ve got to have his U.S. Senate counterpart Jim DeMint. By reading a spell from the most powerful book of incantations around — Saving Freedom, a tome he penned himself — DeMint can trick the masses into believing that Congressional earmarks are bankrupting this county instead of the ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, which he supports.

Of course, if you buy a DeMint action figure, you might as well spend a few more smackaroos to get the rest of the Jesus League of America — including Sens. Sam Brownback, Tom Coburn, and John Ensign. And if you do that, then you’re going to need their top-secret C Street HQ to house them all.

From the Flagellation Shed to the Bible Study Danger Room, where DeMint and company fight robotic replicas of the Gay Mafia and the ACLU, this is a fun-damental playset if there ever was one. And if you collect 10 Campaign Button Box Tops and mail them in, you not only get the Luv Guv Mark Sanford, but his spiritual sidekick Cubby Culbertson and a box of Appalachian Trail brand condoms. Talk about a bargain.

And what toy chest would be complete without Princess Pitbull herself, Sarah Palin? This must-have item is available in two sizes: a kid-appropriate six-inch figure and a life-sized, fully poseable doll for serious collectors only. Now daddy can play with Palin too.

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