BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A College of Charleston student told police he was assaulted while walking along King Street acting like Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama. The police report describes Zoidberg as “a lobster doctor that walks sideways with his claws out and makes noise.” The suspect allegedly yelled, “What did you fucking say to me?” and allegedly punched him once in the face. Police say the victim had a small chip in his tooth and possibly a broken nose.

Items Stolen This Week: Nine bikes, eight GPS units, and three iPods.

While responding to a hit and run in West Ashley, officers found a golf cart unrelated to the incident in a nearby ditch with a 30″ TV in the back.

A “heated” basketball game at a church gym ended with a woman accused of assault for allegedly shaking a young man who she thought was playing too rough. Now, there may not be a biblical parable that relates to this incident, but this has all the makings of a VeggieTales episode.

Police say a man booked for public drunkenness was singing to passing women and saying “something to the effect of ‘This is what I will do to you,’ while he was doing a lower body thrust.” The man wouldn’t answer the officer’s questions, “but instead continued to sing and do a lower body thrust.”

Quote O’ The Week: A suspect charged with disorderly conduct after police saw him get into a fight later said, “I didn’t realize you were police officers until it was too late.”

Questioned due to his drunken state, a man told police that the only reason people call the cops on him is because he is “sleeping with everyone’s women and they’re jealous.”

An alleged assault between two drivers in a parking lot started when a woman said, “You can’t park there, man.” The other driver allegedly responded, “That’s right, I am a man, and I’ll park where I want.” Men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus, but we all have to share the road.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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