I am not a comedian. Which is why the best way I can find to describe the Charleston Comedy Festival is as a total laugh attack. Because the phrase “laugh attack” kind of sounds funny, right? There are plenty of improv, stand-up, and sketch shows to choose from, plus L’After Parties on Friday and Saturday night, but may we suggest the All-Star Jam and the Festival Finale to get the most exposure all at once?

Did you hear that Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper are going to be hanging out at the Cistern Yard at 1 p.m. and 8 p.m., respectively? You did? You’re already camped out waiting for the Silver Fox? Yeah we thought so.

It’s going to get messy at the FR3SH Art Portrait Battle, physically at least. Could get messy emotionally too if these artists have any good put-downs saved up. We hear Nathan Durfee is a nasty competitor. (Kidding.)

The Taste of Folly returns to Center Street. The next day, head a little bit down the road for ABC Fest at the Brick House Kitchen.

Enjoy the bounty of the sea at the LLF Oyster Roast and Chili Eatin’, Oysters on the Point, and Music and Oysters for Wildlife. Non-sea bounties will also be available for consumption. Or skip the oysters and check out the NFL Round-Up and Chili Cookoff.

The South Carolina Stingrays have games against the Greenville Warriors and the Florida Everblades. They’ll also be dressing up a bunch of dachshunds in costumes and racing them on the ice. Yep.

The first Magnetic South show, Dances and Reflections, will highlight new works by contemporary composers.

Welcome the year of the dragon at the Chinese New Year Spring Festival.

If they liked it, they put in a ring on it, and you can start preparing for what comes next at the Charleston Bridal Show.

The Rock-N-Ride will raise money for MUSC’s Children’s Hospital.

Share Our Suzy hosts their It’s Black and White Benefit at Harborside East. It’s a black-tie event but, judging by the name, we bet you could wear a white tie too.

Dr. Franklin Ashley will perform “Songs of the Silent” before the premiere of The Artist at the Terrace’s Saturday screening. And there’s another great black-and-white film, Some Like it Hot, in Park Circle, but that one’s got sound. And the Hippodrome will host the local premiere of the anime Fullmetal Alchemist: The Sacred Star of Milos.

New plays this weekend include The Cay, whose book I remember reading in the fifth grade, and the one-woman show The Last Flapper. There’s also Behanding in Spokane, Five by Tenn, and The Turn of the Screw. And SPROUTS will perform The Frog Prince.

Aggie Zed: Keeper’s Keep and Island Arts Juried Show open Friday, Color in Freedom: Journey Along the Underground Railroad opens Saturday, and Dr. Merrill Irvin has a show.

Lit nerds can gather for Jane Austen’s Birthday Tea.

Bob Raynor hosts a hike Down the Island and Back Again.

Who wouldn’t want to learn how to become a Certified Barbecue Judge?

A couple of local farms need your help. Legare Farms is having a barbecue to help raise money for their legal expenses, and top local chefs are rallying for a Keegan-Filion Farm fundraiser.

It’s a good weekend for drinkers. COAST will tap a rare cask of Blackbeerd at House of Brews, and Bottles has a Pinnacle Vodka tasting.

To quote the wonderful and wise Avril Lavigne, hang out with some sk8er bois at the premiere of skate crew DTB’s lowkey video at the Tin Roof.

And it’s your last chance to get good deals during Charleston Restaurant Week.

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