BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A man nearly fell over several times as he clung to a tree outside of a downtown bar around 1 a.m. An officer asked him how much alcohol he had consumed that evening, and he replied, “I had a couple …”

All-Time Low o’ the Week: A woman who had been drinking all night pulled her one-piece body suit down to her thighs and squatted in a driveway to urinate, exposing her breasts to people in the street.

A piece of cardboard found in a woman’s freezer bore an unfriendly note from an ex-roommate’s buddy: “You are a miserable bitch and you are probably going to die alone with your stupid cat who is also a bitch like yourself.” Technically, a bitch is a female dog.

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find a man spreading dog treats all around her. She yelled, and he bolted.

A young man who’d been seen casing vehicles in a neighborhood got belligerent when an officer stopped him, yelling, “I will box you!” He ended up getting boxed into the county jail.

Someone tried to pawn a GPS unit that had been stolen from someone’s vehicle. The “Home” setting was still programmed to the owner’s address.

Police asked a man who was pulled over in his car where he had come from. The man replied, “Nowhere,” and the officer advised him that you can’t come from nowhere. Turns out he’d been at a bar, and he was way too drunk to drive — or talk to cops.

Tough Guy o’ the Week: A student who had just gotten into a fight at a high school ignored an officer’s command to stay put and said, “I don’t give a fuck if it’s the police.”

Somebody stole a newspaper box from the sidewalk.

The Things They Shoplifted: Five bottles of soda, a set of compact drills, a handful of cigarillos, a bottle of grapeseed oil, a shaker of cayenne pepper, a prank shocking cigarette pack, and a bottle of senior vitamin pills.

Things Students Were Busted with at School: Four crack rocks and a box cutter.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

Stay cool. Support City Paper.

City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.