BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: An exterminator let himself in the back gate behind a house and ended up getting his calf chewed on by a pit bull. The dog, who preferred to eat organic, was disappointed to taste chemicals on the exterminator’s pant leg.

Threatening Phone Call o’ the Week: “Me and my family will be coming to see you.”

A woman picked up $123 worth of skin creams, removed their tags in the store bathroom, and attempted to trade them in for gift cards. Someone working at the store who had seen her try that trick before stopped her in an aisle, and the shea-butter shyster was brought to justice.

Irritated with the service at a downtown convenience store, a man pushed over the slushy machine, spilling Technicolor sugar water all over the floor. Not cool.

Actual encounter with a drunk woman: Age? “I’m 18. No, I’m 22. I’m 21.” Age? “I play soccer.” Date of birth? “H-I-G.”

The Things They Shoplifted: Two diamond bracelets, three styrofoam boxes full of lunch, a pair of jeans, and $75 worth of canned seafood.

With the front door of his house open, a man rolled a blunt in his kitchen, in plain view of a cop passing by on foot.

Public Intoxication Tip-Off o’ the Week: A man got so sloshed that he had to lean on a police cruiser to stand upright.

A woman suspected that an ex-boyfriend stole her daughter’s iPad and pawned it. She presented as evidence a voicemail in which the man says, “I don’t give a damn about your stupid-ass iPad. Do what you got to do, because I got my lawyers ready.”

A tipsy man who had stiffed a cab driver on his fare told officers he was just trying to get back to his home in the Cayman Islands. When the cop asked for his phone number, he said, “4081M.”

A bar patron who had peed on the bar and picked a fight with a bouncer pulled out his cell phone when officers arrived and started shooting video. He taunted the cops as they tried to detain him, yelling, “I pay my taxes,” “You make less than $50,000,” and “You officers don’t like Obama.” There’s that nasty class-warfare rhetoric again.

Someone spray-painted penises on three buildings and six cars.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

Stay cool. Support City Paper.

City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.