BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A fight that started on Facebook escalated into a seven-person melee involving a metal pipe, a sledgehammer, and a whole lot of scratching and hair-pulling.

When a heroin dealer was asked why he had given the wrong name to police, he said, “I did not want to be harassed by you guys.”

Just as a man stepped outside and realized someone had stolen his two dogs, a neighbor walked up and said he’d seen the guy who did it. The neighbor said he would go and get them back, for a price. He charged $60 for his services, but he returned with only one dog before going back to his apartment.

Someone cut through the base bars on two soccer goals at a high school and tried to twist the metal. A linesman ruled that he was also offsides.

The Things They Shoplifted: A bottle of wine, French green beans, hot wings, panties, a box of cookies, pecan halves, walnut meats, a pair of jeans, trail mix, and a box of cold medicine.

A student stole 48 books from his high school library, but hey, at least he was reading.

Police received a call that someone was walking along a roadway carrying what looked like a shotgun. When the cops arrived on the scene, the man dropped his weapon and ran away. Turns out he’d been shooting squirrels along the woodline with a BB gun.

A man who had been banned from a housing project told police when he got caught trespassing, “I know I ain’t supposed to be around there, man. I was just trying to get my hair braided.”

Someone tried to shoplift three boneless New York strip steaks by hiding them under his shirt. Grocery store employees became suspicious when they saw a man with a disproportionately muscular-looking torso walking out the door.

Grouchy Neighbor Quote o’ the Week: “Don’t knock on my door, or I will put buckshot in you.”

A 19-year-old girl with a fake ID locked herself in a bar restroom for 20 minutes to puke in the toilet. An employee got suspicious and called the cops. When they convinced her to open the door, the truth came gurgling out, and she was arrested for using a fake driver’s license.

Reefer Hiding Place o’ the Week: Under the hood of a car, next to the fuse box.

When a man went into a fast-food pizza restaurant to complain about an employee who had called his wife a bitch, two employees cursed him out, spit in his face, and told him to leave and not come back. As he was leaving, one of the employees called out, “If I didn’t have a family, I’d kick your ass!”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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