On Halloween, you trick or treat … and get drunk.

On Christmas Day, you exchange presents … and get drunk.

On St. Paddy’s Day you get drunk … and get drunk.

On Cinco de Mayo you get drunk … on Coronas and margaritas.

On the Fourth of July you get drunk … and grill hamburger and hotdogs and blow shit up.

But when it comes to Confederate Memorial Day, I’m not really sure what we’re supposed to do.

Whistle Dixie?

Watch Gone with the Wind?

Throw on a Confederate Flag bikini, plop down in a lawnchair in our backyards, and call up the local classic rock station and request Freebird — every hour on the hour?

Well, I tell you, we’ve got to figure it out right quick, before Boyd Brown gets his way and puts an end to the holiest of Southern holy days.

See, the Democratic Party’s Brown — or as Gov. Nikki Haley likes to call him, “the legislator of Five Points” — has called on his fellow Statehousers to quit taking Confederate Memorial Day off. In a press release, Brown says:

“We have important issues that need our attention, but instead, the Legislature is taking a day off to observe an archaic state holiday. I’m not suggesting that South Carolinians stop celebrating the holiday, but I am asking that from this point forward, they observe it in their hearts and minds. State offices should be open today.”

The Mayor of Five Points adds:

“There is time-sensitive legislation sitting before the General Assembly right this second, but instead of doing our jobs, the Legislature is taking the day off to observe a holiday that most people don’t even know exists.“

“Unlike some colleagues. didn’t know any Confederate veterans personally, but I am sure they would appreciate us doing the job we were elected to do. Hundreds of candidates across the state are waiting for a legislative solution to the recent ballot controversy, but because of this unnecessary state holiday, that legislation is now dead. This is absurd.”

Normally, I would agree with Brown. After all, we’re not that different. Not only am I a filthy lib like Boyd, I’m a champion boozer, and, well, I’d hate to see us throw away an excuse get to shit-faced.

Which is why we’ve got to rethink this whole Confederate Memorial Day thing. Perhaps it’s not the holiday itself that’s so bad. Maybe it’s just that we’ve done such a piss-poor job of celebrating it.

Fortunately, I’ve got some ideas, ideas which’ll help us remember exactly what this important day is about.

1. Everyone has to work today. Everyone. And the best part: No one gets paid, no one gets a break, and no one gets a fucking drink of water and a slice of moldy bread until the cotton fields have all been picked.

2. At noon, the public lashings will begin, followed by a late afternoon lynching.

3. At dusk, we’ll dine on lily white tablecloths under the starry sky and drink wine by burning cross light.

4. And when it finally comes time to bring Confederate Memorial Day to an end, we’ll cap the day off with a good raping. Lee surrendered and you will too … again and again and again. In the Old South, no one can hear you scream.

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