When a young couple was seen having sex on a playground in broad daylight, the man told police they were “just trying to have a little fun.”

A woman hit the hood of a sports car repeatedly with a stick. The car has no idea what it did to deserve such treatment.

Drunken Epiphany o’ the Week: “Oh fuck, you are a cop!”

A 77-year-old man hit a woman with his van in a parking lot and paused for a moment to ask if she was OK. She said she thought so but wasn’t sure. He drove across the lot, went into a drug store, then came back out and drove off. Slowest hit-and-run ever.

Someone broke into a house while the residents were out of town and busted through the interior drywall to steal its copper pipes. Police are looking for a man with X-ray vision.

Upon getting caught buying crack cocaine, a man told a cop, “I just paid $50 for that rock. Can’t you just write me a ticket, sergeant, and let me go?”

DUI Bar Receipt o’ the Week: One Fireball shot, three blueberry cheesecake shots, three light beers, and one apple cider.

After pulling a man over in a car with expired tags, police searched the vehicle and found what looked like three baggies of cocaine, two unidentified pills, and six baggies of heroin. Keep those tags up to date, folks!

The Things They Shoplifted: Five cans of sardines, one bottle of hot sauce, two packages of crackers, a 24-oz. beer, a can of Vienna sausages, and a bottle of orange juice.

A man who had been drinking on the sidewalk and harassing nearby bar patrons put up a fight when police arrived, saying, “You win because you have a dick and a gun.” In the end, it didn’t have much to do with either of those factors, but the cop did, indeed, win.

A drugstore clerk believes that a customer asked her for help picking out “funny greeting cards” because he wanted to distract her while an accomplice broke into the store’s safe and stole all the money.

Gym patrons said a man in the parking lot was asking people for their urine. Apparently, they were pissed off by the request.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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