Chilly text message diss O’ THE WEEK: “BTW you looked like an eskimo slut yesterday.”

A man returned to his apartment late at night to find that someone had broken into his bedroom and stolen most of his clothes, three pairs of shoes, all of the curtains, a shower curtain, several bath towels, a television, a DVD player, 50 DVDs, several pieces of wall art, a mirror, a microwave, and a fake tree. This crime was bed, bath, and beyond the pale.

Somebody stole a debit card and used it to spend $32.25 at a video store, $10 at a downtown bar, and $10.16 at a gas station.

When asked if the paper bag in his hand contained an open beer, a man sitting on a retaining wall downtown said, “Yes, but I am pouring it out right now,” and he emptied the beer into a flower bed. Police were not impressed by his community gardening effort.

Crack Cocaine Hiding Place o’ the Week: In the driver’s side door handle of a vehicle.

After police noticed something green and leafy on the floorboard of a car, the driver admitted it was weed. He also told officers he had just vacuumed the vehicle and thought there wasn’t anything illegal inside. It’s times like these when you wish you’d bought one of those Shark vacuums from the TV infomercials.

Scientific Cop Quote o’ the Week: “The contents had the color, odor, and liquid dynamics of beer.”

An 18-year-old left his bicycle unlocked and unattended on Cannon Street for an hour. When he came back, the bike was gone. Welcome to Charleston, kid.

After being arrested for accosting customers in front of a grocery store, a man told police, “I was only yelling at a white girl up there.”

A driver who walked away from the scene of a car accident was described by a witness as wearing a fedora, dress pants, and a “tropical” shirt. Nothing, it seems, was going to ruin this man’s vacation.

Arrestee Description / Song Lyric o’ the Week: “She had hollow eyes and spoke slowly.”

A police officer was doing speed enforcement duty on the Stono River Bridge when a car passed by doing 84 mph in a 45 mph zone. No word on whether the driver got big air at the top of the bridge.

When an officer asked a woman to exit her vehicle, she opened the door and fell to the ground. She told the officer she had drunk a couple of beers.

Somebody stole a 77-year-old woman’s blood pressure and cholesterol medications from her mailbox. People these days.

After being told she would have to wait in line to pay for her gas at a convenience store, an impatient customer flew into a tizzy, grabbed a display rack of cigarette lighters, and walked out to her car. She must drive one of those alternative-fuel vehicles that runs on lighter fluid.

After consulting a psychic in New York, a homeowner accused a household employee of stealing from her property. Police did not enter the case into their records as a theft.

When a police officer asked a man why he was driving without a license, the man replied that “a lot of Mexicans do it.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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