Blotter o’ the Week: Somebody stole a $300 crown from a drag queen contest.

Witnesses saw an SUV run a stop sign and then plow through the fence at a public park around 2 a.m. At closing time, I know who I don’t want to take me home.

When a cop looked at three men standing outside the library, they moved behind a pillar as if they were trying to hide. When the cop walked up and asked what they were doing outside the library, the men replied that they were using the free Wi-Fi. When the cop asked why they were hiding, they said they were attaching a bicycle to the bike rack. None of them appeared to be doing anything illegal, but one of them had a warrant out for contempt of court.

Traffic Stop Confession o’ the Week: “I got a bong in the back!”

Police busted a shoplifter with 24 bars of soap and six cans of Febreze in her purse. Her record was less than squeaky-clean.

Heroin Hiding Place o’ the Week: In a prescription bottle labeled “medical marijuana.”

Cops stopped a man who was running down the sidewalk with what they described as “two large objects protruding from underneath [his] shirt.” It turned out they were stolen beef briskets.

Reason No. 3,642 to Hate College Kids: A woman woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of students from the neighboring college dormitory throwing food at her balcony. An apple broke her window.

During an arrest, a man pulled a Crown Royal bag containing 8 grams of weed out of his back pocket and said, “There’s marijuana in there, but it’s not mine.”

After apparently shooting up drugs in the bathroom at a fast food restaurant, a man walked up to the counter as if to place an order and then fell on the floor. Shortly afterward, a second man who had apparently shot up in his vehicle walked into the restaurant, took a seat, and then collapsed on the floor beside the first man.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A $150 pair of sunglasses, a GPS unit, an iPod, a case full of CDs, a phone charger, a laptop computer, a tablet computer, a purse, a wallet, a Vera Bradley backpack, a credit card, a driver’s license, two speakers, an amplifier, a lockbox, and 110 mg of methadone.

Bad Advice o’ the Week: A woman told police that her doctor said people can go 40 days without water and four days without food. More like the other way around.

Shoplifting Haul o’ the Week: Two skorts, something called an “NBG Creeper,” a container of eyeliner, two T-shirts, a pair of shorts, something called “Artic Frz,” and something called “PAG Oil.”

After a collision on the road, a man and a woman pulled their cars into a parking lot. The man, who had hit the woman while attempting to pass her in his Cadillac, told the victim that his name was Shackman, that he was from California, and that he owned Domino’s Pizza. Then he drove off without exchanging insurance information.

A woman sat down inside a port-a-john and yelled at a little girl and her family for trying to use it.

All-Time Low o’ the Week, Part 1: When a police officer stopped a woman who was urinating in the street around midnight, she handed the cop a fake ID. When the officer started writing her tickets for public urination and false identification, the woman said, “This isn’t right. I am an American citizen. You can’t do this.”

All-Time Low o’ the Week, Part 2: While his friend was being arrested for public urination, false identification, and public disorderly conduct (see above), a man shouted, “This sandwich fucking sucks,” threw a sandwich on the ground, and refused to pick it up. When the officer informed the man that he was littering, the man replied, “It’s just a fucking sandwich.” He was arrested on charges of littering and public disorderly conduct.

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