Blotter o’ the Week: Five men are charged with stealing two BB guns and a messload of BBs. Stockpiling for the impending squirrelpocalypse, no doubt.

Weapon o’ the Week: A drinking glass thrown at someone’s arm.

A drunken sailor on the sidewalk was described as walking “in a serpentine manner.” Which would be a good idea if he were being chased by a gator.

After calling some cops “white faggots” and “pedophile police officers,” a man explained that he was “high off of beer.” Vocabulary is not this guy’s strong suit.

A man told police that his weed dealer stabbed him in the thigh because he didn’t have exact change to pay for the goods. Dealers need to get on that Square bandwagon; cash transactions are so 20th century.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: Two iPods, an iPad, 30 Adderall pills, a leather briefcase, a laptop computer, a car battery, a car stereo, a purse, a $200 money order, $20 cash, a driver’s license, and five Social Security cards.

When police asked a nervous-looking man who was loitering on a sidewalk why he was carrying a steak knife, the man said he was on his way to church to pick up groceries and needed a way to cut some meat.

After backing his vehicle into traffic and hitting another vehicle, a man got out and exchanged driver’s license numbers, phone numbers, and tag numbers with the victim. Then he said, “Good luck getting this paid for without a police report,” got back in his car, and sped off. So the victim filed a police report. Duh.

Somebody slashed nine tires on nine cars that were parked in a row on a downtown street.

Maid Threat o’ the Week: “I will have my sister dust all y’all’s asses.”

A man told police that a very drunk barefoot woman got on the back of his motorcycle and announced, “I need a ride.” He did not give her a ride.

During a fight, one man stabbed another man in the liver and gall bladder. The gall!

A police officer pulled over a driver who had been swerving between lanes and into oncoming traffic, nearly hitting a taxi in the process. When asked for his license and registration, the driver immediately pointed at his passenger and explained, “Sorry, I was driving like that because I was fighting with him.”

Insane Overreaction o’ the Week: When a customer at a convenience store paused at the counter to consider whether he wanted a bag of Doritos or a Kit Kat bar, the clerk allegedly pulled out a handgun and waved it around while shouting, “Come on! Come on!”

A police officer began to suspect that a man in the backseat of a vehicle might be in possession of illegal drugs when he noticed the specks of marijuana all over the man’s shirt and lap.

Somebody stole a $10,000 boat and a $1,500 boat trailer from a public storage unit.

After yelling for help and taking off his shirt, a man laid himself down in a house’s front yard and fell asleep. When police arrived and woke the man up, he said, “I’m good, I’m good.”

When an officer caught a driver with an open can of beer beside him in the vehicle, the man explained, “It’s Friday and I was thirsty.” Scientists recommend Gatorade for hydration, man.

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