Of all the historical bad guys that could come back from the dead and threaten the U.S. — Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Michael Bay — I would have never thought it would be Osama bin Laden. I mean, everybody knows that Barack Obama keeps the former Al Qaeda leader’s ashes in a bag of blow in the Oh-Wow Office, the secret party wing that JFK and Frank Sinatra added to the White House back in 1964 (What? You didn’t know about that? I’ve been there and it’s badass. I’m talking champagne hookas, carafes of nitrous obnoxide, 72 Virgin Air stewardess, and a fucking doomsday phone line to Snoop Lion that plays dubstep in Braille. A word of warning though: Whatever you do, stay away from the iguana. Lee Atwater will bite your finger if you give him a chance. Nasty bastard.)

So, color me surprised when I learned from Huffington Post that Osama bin Laden is alive and, well, still fucking angry at the Great Satan. In fact, he’s planning all kinds of dastardly deeds this weekend.

Anyhow, here’s the pic from the front page of HuffPo, the internet’s premier purveyor of sideboob porn and new age sleep studies for menopausal women who’ve cheated on their husbands because goddammit the Daily Show is just as funny without Jon Stewart.

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