As unpredictable as life may be, it is full of certainties.

A Bush or a Clinton will be elected to the White House every eight years.

Your cubicle mate will never stop reciting dialogue from “Office Space.”

The Bengals will never make it to the Super Bowl. 

You will catch a cold just days before vacation.

Your favorite restaurant will forever change the recipe of your favorite dish because it offended the bland sensibilities of taste-bud zombies from Ohio.

And Glenn McConnell will be the next president of the College of Charleston.

Now, the big wigs at CofC will deny this of course, but they’ve already made up their minds. Everything they’ve done since outgoing President George Benson announced his impeding departure up through the moment that McConnell is appointed as the King Cougar is merely an act.

It’s as phony as Reddit’s Man with Two Dicks story.

Or Balloon Boy.

Or the Warren Commission’s report on the sassification of Jackée Kennedy.

It’s all just a fog-and-phoney show designed to give them a little bit of plausible deniability when they finally work up the nerve to make the announcement that we all expect them to make. 

The truth is, college presidents aren’t in the business of running colleges anymore, just as much as politicians are in the business of running the country. Both exist solely to raise money. They are glorified Girl Scouts selling cookies filled with empty promises and bullshit, tasty tasty bullshit. And we place our orders every single time. 

Now, this isn’t to knock McConnell. He just might be what CofC needs to make it in today’s ultra-competitive higher ed battle royale, where offering a quality education to students takes a back seat to wooing high-profile textbook writers, guest narcissists, future NFL class-action lawsuits, and deep-pocketed helicopter parents with a case of Delta House no-no nostalgia. CofC needs someone who is skilled at Statehouse backroom politics, someone who can clasp the greasy hands of commerce, someone who will don a Confederate flag bikini and do the pole-dance hustle just to earn a few more bucks. And that man is McConnell. 

Long live our Confederate overlord.

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