Apologies for not being here to recap the last few weeks of Southern Charm, that Bravo TV show we love to hate, starring our very own bad boy Thomas Ravenel, but I slipped into a stupor of boredom and couldn’t even find the energy to make fun of it anymore. It felt a little too much like taking yet another dump in that Trainspotting toilet, if you know what I mean. There’s only so much piling on one can do and still feel good about life. Of course, watching last night’s episode roused me out of my stupor and I’m ready to get back on the hate-go-round.

So let’s speedily bring everyone up to date and get into the facts of life as set out by the boys and girls of Southern Charm

Episode #3 Highlights: 

Thomas’ biological clock continues to tick so loudly we can hear it all the way from Church Street to the top of the Ravenel Bridge. He and JD discuss ovulating and how to go about getting a girl pregnant. The leitmotif emerges. 

T-Rav and Shep are related, both descendants of the Boykin clan — which just proves that the Boykins are a bunch of dogs. 

Does Jenna have a sugar daddy? Whitney mentions an old rich boyfriend while his assistant challenges Jenna to tell her how she pays for her South of Broad mansion. Our first hint that she has what’s been dubbed a “crystal meth vagina”  — don’t worry, we’ll get to that later. 

Jenna throws a party and half of gay Charleston shows up. T-Rav is “in the cups” (ie. shitfaced) and finds his dreams coming true when Kathryn arrives (with — here’s some foreshadowing — Whitney) and tells him she’s two weeks late and might be pregnant because they had unprotected sex. But she also boinked Shep, so there’s that.    

Episode #4 Lowlights:

Thomas takes Kathryn, that poised young Southern gal, to the drug store in a cab to get a pregnancy test, which they then take while shitfaced. It proves inconclusive. What? It didn’t come up saying: Warning, warning, fetal alcohol syndrome?

There is more talk in this episode about women’s periods than in all 15 seasons of the Facts of Life. Shep is consulted for advice and T-Rav admits his regrets: “I shouldna had sex wid ‘er.” Lots more basic reproductive lessons are laid out in the rest of the episode, like, don’t be a fool, wrap your tool. 

Having a kid would be a big deal to both Kathryn and T-Rav, who are otherwise known as Capt. Obvious and No Shit Sherlock. 

I hope Shep is taking notes on his behavior with women. He’s got to stop being so silly about everything. Imagine if he was as dedicated to being smart and ambitious as he is to being goofy and horny. I think I might have said the same thing to my 15-year-old son yesterday. 

Jenna’s friend Jessica drops the bomb while getting their nails done: “We all know you have a crystal meth vagina. It’s like one little taste and then you have grown men crying on your voicemail.” The rest of the show fails to live up to this little bon mot. 

Nothing draws a couple closer than a pregnancy scare. TomKat are now a thing. 

Episode #5 — Mommy & Daddy Issues:

A haggard looking Thomas cooks breakfast with his perky girlfriend and gives her fatherly advice like, the greatest of all virtues is courage. Creepy.

Cameran breaks her own rule about discussing money in the South and tells Whitney that she knows he’s loaded and he should buy a house from her because she needs cash. Classy.

Whitney loves his mom, but he’s like Norman Bates, so pretty soon he’s going to kill Patricia and then assume her identity and become his own worst critic. Charleston ladies, you’ve been warned. 
In Shep’s world, five dates is a long-term relationship. In MJ’s world, it’s just, like, five dates, so relax dude. Looks like the bubble of awesome that Shep lives in is deflating fast. Poor guy. 

Whitney, thrilled to have his mom’s laser of ego destruction pointed at another man’s genitals, giggles as Patricia, over cocktails at Husk, eviscerates T-Rav for dating such a young person. Thomas defends her by saying Kathryn has poise — again. He’s got to get a new adjective for this girl.

Oh, and Patricia says she encountered Kathryn at her house one morning at 9 a.m. Hmmm.

Gingers are fiery, says T-Rav, and he really likes Kathryn’s spunk.

Then Kathryn drops a little bomb: Whitney tried to give her a makeover at his place, in his bedroom. T-Rav asks the girl who slept with Shep whether she kissed Whitney: “Did you French kiss him?” Ick, who says that besides Natalie and Tootie when Blair comes home from a date? (See Facts of Life reference if you were not alive in the 80s).

We get to see everyone getting dressed for JD’s Carolina Day party — very stimulating stuff, particularly the count’s cufflinks — but we only get to see Craig show up in the wrong kind of clothes. Instead of wearing a waiter’s outfit like the other dudes (ie. white tuxes), he’s in a sharp business suit looking like he just dropped out of GQ. And then Whitney ridicules him for not knowing proper etiquette. Puhleeze. 

Whitney, who in an earlier episode asked Jenna if she pays attention to the balls when pleasuring a man, blatantly asks to see her tits as they stand outside a restaurant on King Street. Now we’re talking, but why are we only getting the fun stuff during the 30-second breaks? 

Ugh — bagpipes and history lessons. Housewives never do this. Bring me the Housewives of Charleston, please. Or bring me a show about Jenna and Cameran fingering each other under the table. Yeah, Jenna just said that. 

Thomas is now drunk, ready to give advice to Shep, and beat Whitney up. Finally. Let’s get to it. The ladies, being Southern and charming, immediately leave the table as things get heated and T-Rav accuses Whitney of trying to sleep with Kathryn.

Here’s a nice example of Kathryn’s poise: Now she’s saying that Whitney invited her over at 12:30 a.m. to talk about politics. Hmm. What happened to that makeover?

T-Rav takes it outside with Whitney and they don’t duel, so it’s hard to make what happens really all that interesting. After some drunken words they go back inside and dance the Charleston, cause that’s what we always do in this town. 

Meanwhile in the real world, T-Rav pled guilty to a DUI last week and got his license suspended. He posted a late-night blast on Facebook, outing a prominent Charlestonian as being a fellow coke fiend (the post was quickly deleted but not before I was texted a screen-shot of said post). And word from an inside source is that he and Kathryn celebrated the birth of their baby last week. 

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