Last year I made the prediction that Tiger Woods will never win another major, and I stand by that — his No. 1 ranking be damned. But hyperbolic crystal balling aside, it’s even more clear now than it was last year that sports journalists refuse to give up the standard major-season story: Will Tiger win/play/unleash the Kraken at the Masters/British Open/U.S. Open/PGA Championship/AVN Adult Entertainment Expo?

Now, we all know that Tiger isn’t playing in the Masters this week. His back doth ache too much. But that hasn’t stopped sports journos from writing ad nauseam about Woods. Truth be told, I don’t think they even know how to write a pre-tourney story without focusing on the one-time wunderkind-turned-porn-starlet-porker. 

To see just how bad this problem is, just search for Tiger Woods at Google News. The numbers don’t lie. 

And please, for the love of Pete Dye, please find some other golfers to write about.

Chris Haire is the author of the comic novel, The Many Crimes of Wyatt Duvall, Archmotherfucker, a despicable tale about a dastardly man committing dastardly deeds. Oh, and dryer lint smoking. Lots of dryer lint smoking. It’s currently available at

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