Blotter o’ the Week: When a cop asked for identification from a man who was refusing to pay an $11.65 taxi fare, the man said he had lost his driver’s license at a bar. He also said he was unemployed, but that he was “wrestling with Jesus.” The cop asked what that meant, and the man replied, “Well, just wrestling with Jesus to try to figure him out. I wrestle with them all, even Noah and Muhammad.” When the cop arrested the man on charges of public intoxication and defrauding a public accommodation, the man said he wanted to be an electrician and that he had “secret clearances.” Then he started dancing.

Witnesses say a man walked into a gas station and started arguing and making racial remarks toward a group of black men. But when police asked the man himself what had happened, he claimed he was trying to break up a fight. Police weren’t able to figure out what really happened, but they were able to arrest the man on charges of disorderly conduct and shoplifting — because, oh yeah, he had six Slim Jims tucked into his sock.

A construction worker found a .44 Magnum revolver hidden under a house.

Low Point o’ the Week: A man was arrested on a public intoxication charge after police found him stumbling down the sidewalk drunk … at 9:25 a.m. He said he had been drinking that morning.

A manager at an all-night diner caught a waitress altering the receipts for debit card payments to give herself extra tips. In one case she used a pen to change the tip from $9.27 to $39.27; in another she changed $0 to $30. Safe to say her job is scattered, smothered, and chunked.

After getting belligerent with the staff at a bank, a man told police, “Man, I’m drunk as hell and need that shot they give drunks, because I’m gonna feel terrible tomorrow. I know they’ll give it to me; I’m a big-time alcoholic.”

Open Container o’ the Week: A Zaxby’s cup containing vodka and cranberry juice.

When a store employee stopped a man and told him he wasn’t going to be allowed to steal three pairs of jeans he had just stuffed into a shopping bag, the man replied, “Oh yes I am!” and ran out of the store.

Somebody stole 30 wicker chairs, two iron benches, five patio umbrellas, four tiled patio tables, and a coffee table from in front of a restaurant. Management is unable to take this sitting down.

Around 2:20 a.m., a man walked out into the middle of the street, yelled “Fuck” several times, and started turning around in place with his hands in the air. Police arrested him on a disorderly conduct charge.

Shoplifting Haul o’ the Week: Several cases of beer, a 64 GB memory card, and a digital camera. Total value: $524.05.

A landlord says that when she evicted a couple from an apartment for failing to pay the rent, they vandalized or destroyed the stove, refrigerator, and carpet, doing a total of $3,000 worth of damage.

Police stopped a man who was standing in the middle of traffic yelling profanities at a car. When the officers asked the man how many drinks he’d had that evening, he said, “Gosh, I don’t know. I didn’t keep count.”

Late-Night Quote o’ the Week: “I was drinking, but I have a strong tolerance so it doesn’t matter.”

A drunk man tried to pick a woman up off the ground, causing both of them to fall into the roadway. When a police officer spotted them, both of them were at risk of having their heads run over by oncoming traffic.

Police stopped a man after watching him pop two wheelies on his motorcycle in traffic. The man refused to provide a breath sample after failing a field sobriety test, so he was placed under arrest on a DUI charge.

Tourist o’ the Week: Police confronted a woman who was leaning against a wall talking loudly into her cell phone at 2:15 a.m. The woman ignored the officers’ questions at first and kept talking on the phone, then she started yelling, “I’m not from here!” Officers arrested her on a public intoxication charge, and as they led her toward a police cruiser, she said, “I have to poi,” and tried to pull her jeans off.

Somebody opened a cell phone account in a woman’s name and racked up $1,437.17 worth of bills.

Stay cool. Support City Paper.

City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.